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71 Funny One-Liners and Jokey Zingers to Keep Kids on Their Toes

Help your kid get to the punchline as quickly as possible.

After prat falls, funny one-liners may be the most ancient of jokes. It’s broad humor distilled down to its purest form. Rodney Dangerfield nailed it. Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright, too. Funny one-liners take a sophisticated observation about life or language, and reframe it as a slyly “dumb” joke whose full comic power hits only after your brain unpacks it. They’re also a great way to get a chuckle out of kids.

While some short jokes cheat their way to a laugh by using bad words or innuendo, those one-liners simply aren’t appropriate for younger kids. The great dad joke challenge is finding funny jokes that ridiculous and innocent, appropriate for all ages. Think of it as Seinfeld versus Chapelle: both are funny, but only one comedian can play in the background while your 10-year-old is still awake. With that in mind, here are 48 corny one-liners for kids that get to the punchline as quickly as possible. If one doesn’t land, just move on to the next one. Because that’s the beauty of the one-liner, good or bad: it’s over before you know it.

  1. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own question? I do.
  2. A sandwich tried to get a reservation at a restaurant, but the waiter said they don’t serve food there.
  3. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  4. Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
  5. Don’t believe the hype. Velcro is the ultimate rip-off.
  6. Do you know how scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
  7. I recently saw a sign that said “Watch for Animals.” What a great deal!
  8. I’m throwing a space-themed party for my birthday but I don’t want to planet.
  9. The perfectionist walked into the bar because it wasn’t set high enough.
  10. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  11. If at first you don’t succeed with a crowbar, pry, pry again.
  12. I tried to do my homework but my pencil broke, so it was pointless.
  13. I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
  14. Whoever invented knock-knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.
  15. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  16. What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!
  17. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!
  18. If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.
  19. Would a cardboard belt be a waist of paper?
  20. I wanted to be a doctor but I didn’t have the patients.
  21. A man walked into a bar. Ouch.
  22. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
  23. I tried writing with a broken pencil but it was pointless.
  24. I heard Cinderella tried out for the basketball team, but she kept running away from the ball.
  25. I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired.
  26. I was going to tell a pizza joke but it was too cheesy.
  27. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
  28. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  29. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me — it means a lot.
  30. There was a kidnapping on a school bus but it’s fine. He woke up.
  31. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  32. One bird can’t make a pun. But toucan.
  33. The more this towel dries, the wetter it gets.
  34. I finished the puzzle in six months, even though the box said it would take 4-5 years.
  35. Two burglars stole a calendar last night and they each got six months.
  36. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
  37. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  38. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can…
  39. So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.
  40. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  41. I ate an alarm clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
  42. I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  43. I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
  44. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  45. What do dogs do when watching a DVD?  They press paws.
  46. Leopards are terrible at hide-and-seek because they’re always spotted.
  47. I tried to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
  48. I can’t even count how many times I failed at basic arithmetic.
  49. My kid kept asking me to stop imitating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  50. I thought I had a handle on life, but then it broke.
  51. When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
  52. They say money talks. All mine says is “goodbye.”
  53. The problem with thieves is that they always take things literally.
  54. Never trust an atom — they make up everything.
  55. My son just discovered I’d replaced this bed with a trampoline. He hit the ceiling!
  56. People say I’m indecisive, but I’m not so sure.
  57. The best thing about signing a friend’s cast is you can add insult to injury.
  58. A termite crawls into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  59. One fish in an aquarium asks the other, “So how do you drive this thing?”
  60. The best part of borrowing money from a pessimist is that he never expects it back.
  61. The book on anti-gravity was a fast read — it was impossible to put down.
  62. I tried to have my doctor treat my case of invisibility, but he said he couldn’t see me.
  63. If a parsley farmer doesn’t pay his taxes, the government may garnish his wages.
  64. I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
  65. If you take care of a chicken, are you a chicken tender?
  66. It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
  67. I got kicked out of the secret cooking club after I spilled the beans.
  68. What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk? An udder failure.
  69. The most vulnerable spot in a group of clowns is the juggler.
  70. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  71. What if there were no hypothetical questions?