Kids love to laugh. And you love to make them laugh.
Here are 75 jokes that are nearly guaranteed to do so while having the added benefit of annoying your spouse and any other human adult around you. There are food jokes, animal jokes, Star Wars jokes and even an Elsa joke on this list, so you’ll have a corny joke in your arsenal no matter what the occasion. It’s time to claim your title as King of dad jokes. Just remember that it’s all in the delivery, and this is an important time when you can shape your child’s sense of humor. Ten years from now, you can remind your moody teenager that yes, they did, in fact, find your Chewbacca joke hilarious when they were children. These jokes do not have expiration dates.
75. What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
74. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
73. Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two-tired!
72. What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat?
A sour puss.
71. I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
70. Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
69. What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?
Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
68. What do elves learn in school?
67. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had bad blood.
66. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
The bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
65. What did one snowman say to the other?
Can you smell carrots?
64. What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
Someday my prints will come!
63. After dinner. my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it!
62. What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle’s back?
61. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
60. Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
59. Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?
He was a little hoarse.
58. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
57. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
56. I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
55. What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, and I’ll go ahead.
54. What’s red and bad for your teeth?
53. What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
52. How do you make Lady Gaga mad?
Poke her face.
51. Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity?
It’s impossible to put down.
50. How do you make a lemon drop?
Just let it fall.
49. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
48. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
47. Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck!
46. Why don’t big cats play poker in the safari?
Too many cheetahs.
45. What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?
A wise quacker.
44. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you…
43. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
42. What did the laundryman say to the impatient customer?
Keep your shirt on!
41. How do you catch a whole school of fish?
40. What does a spy do when he gets cold?
He goes undercover.
39. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
38. What did the horse say after it tripped?
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
37. How does the moon cut his hair?
36. How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away its credit card.
35. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
34. How many apples grow on trees?
All of them!
33. What does a baby computer call his father?
32. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
31. Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
30. What do you call an illegally parked frog?
29. Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
He wanted to find Pluto!
28. How did the black cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
27. Why can’t you play hockey with pigs?
They always hog the puck.
26. Why did the cookie cry?
Because his father was a wafer so long!
25. What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?
A boa constructor.
24. Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
Because they kept saying “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
23. What did one horse say to the other at the dance?
You mustang-o with me.
22. Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
21. What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
20. I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs!
19. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
18. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
17. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it’d be a foot.
16. Why are frogs happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!
15. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.
14. “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” The cashier asked.
“No, just leave it in the carton!”
13. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
12. A sandwich walks into a bar.
Barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
11. Why is the grass so dangerous?
It’s full of blades.
10. What’s brown and sticky?
9. It’s not appropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
8. What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeno business!
7. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go.
6. Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
5. What did Obi-Wan say to Luke when he was having trouble eating at a Chinese restaurant?
“Use the fork, Luke.”
4. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
3. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin?
It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
2. If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
1. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?