What They Don’t Tell You About Paternity Leave

The first month that you have a child is life-changing in ways that are hard to describe. While there is plenty of scientific research to back up the idea that fathers get their brains rewired by having a child, the biggest change that occurs is that your concept of time is forever altered. And that’s why, at the start of your child’s life, you need to take some time off. Taking paternity leave is one of the most important things a dad can do, not just for their partner and their child, but for themselves. This may seem obvious on paper, but the vast majority of men who have access to reasonable paternity leave benefits end up not taking advantage of it.

Don’t become a statistic. Your time will become more precious to you than ever before once you’re a parent. And paternity leave is the only buffer you have to get yourself and your family adjusted to the new normal.

Here’s how dads need to advocate for paternity leave, and what to do with your time once it happens.

Paternity Leave Should Be a Given

Regardless of the job you're in or the pay structure, the conversation with your boss about leave shouldn’t be a question of permission, it should be a conversation about how much time you’re taking off. There may be some legal questions about what your state is technically obligated to offer you, so certainly do your homework first. But, even in the absence of a clear paternity leave policy, you shouldn’t be begging for time, but rather, approaching the conversation as a negotiation for exactly how much time is reasonable for you, versus what makes sense for your job.

If your job already has a paternity leave policy, the amount of time you should take should be the maximum amount offered. “But I don’t need all that time?” you say. Well, you probably do.

You’re going to end up needing other parenting time off, and you’re going to have to negotiate a new relationship with work. This is one of the many things that paternity leave does. From pretty much now until the end of time you will have someone else’s schedule on your mind. This will impact your work schedule — not for better or worse, it just will — and paternity leave is your transition to this new juggling of schedules. In another sense, you’re setting a precedent with your job. Do you want it to be one that is sustainable? If so, take paternity leave.

Paternity Leave Is The Ultimate Career Pivot

No matter how you think of your career, having a kid is, without question, a pivot point for it. Before now, work-life balance was more of a theory; a calculus about how many drinks you could have at happy hour versus how hungover you’d be the next day. Having a child makes all of those prior considerations seem quaint. And so, the best way to think about paternity leave is that it’s the transition from one kind of career to the next.

In your previous life, you managed your time and money, perhaps, with a shoulder shrug and a “good enough” mentality. But being a parent isn’t like that. Everything you do, from hitting a deadline to taking out the trash, matters a little bit more. Good enough isn’t really good anymore. Yes, you’re going to make mistakes. That’s what parenting is all about. But it’s also nothing like a job. You’re not clocking in and out. If you think you’re suddenly going to have time off from being a parent, you won’t.

This is what makes time management so crucial — and why you need to take paternity leave to get your new schedule in order. Because you’re not at work, you are able to live in this period of transition. It’s weird. It’s hard. But without paternity leave, you’d barely be able to process it.

Housework & The Not-So-Invisible Labor You’re About to Take On

Unless you are the primary caregiver who is nursing with the child, the vast majority of the time you’ll have a job that will suddenly be more important than you’ve ever realized — cleaning up. When it comes to bottles, breast pump parts, new baby clothes, and blankets, keeping everything clean in those early months is essential. If your wife was the person who did laundry before, or kept an eye on your dirty dishes, those days are over.

Here’s a hot tip: Do you still have your apron from when you waited tables? Don’t have an apron? Get an apron. Preferably one with pockets. It's great for storing bottles, burp clothes, diapers, and pretty much everything else to keep your household sane.

Embrace Your New Relationship With Sleep

When you add it all up, parents lose about six years of sleep when they have a child. This will not magically get resolved when your child turns six, by the way. But the strange sleep patterns that you have during those first few weeks are truly hellish. The only way to deal with this is to accept it as soon as possible. Again, this is one of the reasons why paternity leave is so important. Both you and your partner are going to have to come up with an ad hoc sleep schedule in order to literally not lose your minds.

The sooner you understand that feeding and caring for a newborn is like working a double shift that never ends, the better. If you slept on a few chairs pushed together in the delivery room when your kid was born, the first month or two aren’t too different from that. It does get better, but the sooner you get over how horrible it is, the better.

Take Pictures. Hold Your Kid

Chances are, your partner will be even more exhausted than you are. And so, amid all the cleaning, helping, and wrestling in your mind with your raging id, you have to remember how special this time is. Yes, take a ton of pictures. No, you’ll never regret taking a million pictures when your child is a newborn. If anything, these photos will become even more incredible to you as the years pass. You’re lucky to live in a time when you have a movie studio in your pocket. Take advantage of it. Pay for the extra phone data. Get those digital photos printed up into albums right away. It’s all worth it.

But when you’re not being the support parent, when you’re not contemplating how the rest of your life is forever different, the best thing you can do is hold your child as much as possible. You’ve probably heard of the “football” grip by now, the thing where you can fit your kid into the crook of your arm. This is one of the coolest things ever, and it may seem like it will never end, but you won’t believe how fast this time goes.

Newborn babies sleep all the time. Yes, statistically, they’re going to do a big chunk of that sleeping with mom. But you’re on paternity leave for one big reason, a reason that is more important than all the other reasons: You need to put that kind on your chest, and in your arms, and make sure this little person knows that they are safe with you, forever.