Figuring out the very best James Bond puns and jokes is almost as difficult as deciding which Bond actor has the greatest eyebrows. It’s not something you want to think about, but once you start thinking about it you can’t stop. James Bond movies are great in 2019 even if they are so obviously ridiculous. In other words, anyone who is watching Bond movies with a straight-face is watching Bond movies wrong. Because every iteration of Bond is hopelessly outdated and absurd, Bond movies are inherently caricatures of themselves. (Note: Daniel Craig is not off the hook here! Have you seen Quantum of Solace?)
James Bond’s enduring popularity is not connected to how cool he is, but instead how much we laugh at him. And the easiest way to laugh at Bond isn’t just by noticing how out of touch he is, but instead, admiring his dad-joke-worthy puns.
Here are the seven best 007 puns, so good they’ll make you snort and wonder why you don’t drink martinis more often.
7. The World Is Not Enough
“I thought Christmas only came once a year…”
In order to understand this joke, you have to know two things: First, this is not Pierce Brosnan’s best Bond film. Second, Denise Richard’s character in The World Is Not Enough is named Christmas Jones. Got it now?
6. A View to a Kill
“I’m an early riser myself.”
Roger Moore’s version of James Bond arguably perfected what we now think of as “the funny Bond.” (i.e. if he was a real person no one would think he was funny and he would never get any real work done.) In his last film, A View to a Kill, he’s not even trying to disguise a giant boner joke.
“I think he’s attempting re-entry…”
This might be my secret favorite Bond joke ever because it’s not actually spoken by James Bond, but instead, by the master-of-gadgets, Q. Yes, it’s a Roger Moore movie, but the joke is all Q. It’s a physics joke, right? (Actually, zero-gravity sex would be really difficult, so maybe this isn’t even a joke.)
4. License to Kill
“He disagreed with something that ate him.”
Having a bad guy get eaten by a shark? Good. Making a tortured joke about it? Better. Timothy Dalton might not be everyone’s favorite Bond, but this moment in License to Kill is solid gold.
3. Live and Let Die
“He always did have an inflated opinion of himself.”
It’s Roger Moore again! And this time, he’s joking in the climax of Live and Let Die about a dude that got shot with an air bullet and literally exploded like a balloon. Yes, these movies really exist. I know! (Side note: How many people who love Paul McCartney’s theme song for Live and Let Die have seen the movie lately? I’m not suggesting you do; the movie is not good. But, do you see Roger Moore leaping on crocodiles when you hear the song? Just me?)
“I think he got the point.”
Ah, Sean Connery, the originator of the Bond puns. This one comes from Thunderball, which is better known as “The Underwater James Bond.” If you’re going to rewatch any of the movies on this list, it should probably be this one. Thunderball is way better (and way funnier!) than you remember. Also, Bond’s beachwear in this movie is great. I’m not kidding, I have a shirt that is almost exactly like one that Connery wears on the beach in this movie and it gives me strength.
“Shocking, Positively Shocking.”
This is the best one. After a dude tries to take out Bond from behind, Connery maneuvers the guy into the bathtub and then throws an electric fan into the bathtub. Everyone knows what happens when you put electric fans in bathtubs. One of the best things about this joke is that it’s the last thing Connery says before the title credits start rolling. So, yeah, right after he says the second “shocking” it’s followed by those kick-ass John Berry horns for the title song “Goldfinger.” Doesn’t get much better than that!
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