29 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes That Won’t Make You Cringe

These one-liners about love will even make the biggest of cynics crack a smile.

Originally Published: 
husband and wife holding hands telling each other funny valentine's day quotes

When it comes to Valentines’ Day, there’s really only two camps of people: those who love it and those who hate. Those who are single and those who are in love. Cornballs and cynics. If you’re among the latter, Valentine’s Day can be tough. The flowers and chocolates, the overpriced prix-fixes, the saccharine sayings can be the definition of hell for the less sentimental among us. But escaping the Hallmark-created holiday is nearly impossible. Even for the biggest love skeptics among us fall in love, that means taking part in cringe-inducing rituals that you kinda, sorta, love. That does not mean, though, that you need to write your own genius, heartfelt card filled with loving platitudes and tear-jerker poems. Nope. It’s perfectly acceptable to look to the experts — even better, comedians — for cute and funny Valentine’s Day quotes to make a heartfelt card more fun, especially if your partner is also a love cynic who would rather laugh at the day’s absurdity than revel in sentimentality. Plus, you don’t need a couple’s therapist to tell you that humor most definitely keeps a marriage alive.

So, whether you’re in a comfortable marriage and have run out of original thoughts, or are spending your first Valentine’s together with a partner and don’t want to risk writing the wrong thing, it can be helpful to look towards writers and humorists for inspiration. From Lemony Snicket to Jerry Seinfeld, peruse these romantic and funny Valentine’s Day quotes to use, or copy-and0-paste, on this special (ish?) day.

Related: Corny Love Jokes and Flirty Knock-Knock Jokes for Valentine’s Day“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they are really are.” —Will Ferrell

  1. “Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” —Ambrose Bierce
  2. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” —Jean Illsley Clarke
  3. “I love being married. it’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
  4. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” —Charles Schulz
  5. “My love is like a candle. I you forget about me I’ll burn your house down.” —Joan Crawford
  6. “Us weirdos were made for each other.” — Unknown
  7. I want to grow old and disgusting with you.” —Unknown
  8. “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” —Unknown
  9. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” —H.L Mencken
  10. “Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.” —Unknown
  11. “Love is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” —Phyllis Schlafly
  12. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” —Pearl Bailey
  13. “Love is being stupid together.” —Paul Valery
  14. “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” —Richard Jeni
  15. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” —George Burns
  16. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” —Melanie White
  17. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” —Lemony Snicket
  18. “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” —Rodney Dangerfield
  19. “I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” —Cameron Esposito
  20. “I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.” —Unknown
  21. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
  22. “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” —Hussein Nishah
  23. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” —Jerry Seinfeld
  24. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” —Charles Schulz
  25. “Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” —David Sedaris
  26. “Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” —Bree Luckey
  27. “I love you because you are almost exactly like me and I’m the best.” —Unknown
  28. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” —Carroll Bryant

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