Chances are that, if asked, every man could tell you the his penis size. It’s a fact that’s easy to pull down, much like the words to the pledge of allegiance: Length, both flaccid and erect. Maybe even circumference. The reason is simple: At least one time in his life, he took a ruler, measured himself from various angles, and learned the resulting specs by heart. Because at a young age, men gleaned, dick size matters. For sex, sure. But also because it’s a marker of virility, of masculinity. Life took a hot poker and burned this into our brains. To have a larger-than-average penis was a gift, one that meant you were more of a man. We all wanted to see how we measured up.
There are plenty of other markers used to estimate the size of a man’s penis, most notably height and foot size. You know what they say about men with big shoes, right? Wink. And you know what they say about tall men, right? Wink Wink. Well, a review of the many studies that suggested that, yes, there is something to the foot-size-penis size and height-penis-size theory revealed that any correlations found “were either inconsistent or weak” (the latter conclusion based on the fact that study sizes were too small or that too much data was self-reported.) But it will take much more than a study review to scrub the penis-size-foot-size equivalency from collective memory.
It seems researchers can’t stop seeing through their penis-size hypotheses either. The latest study published in the journal Basic and Clinical Andrology shows a correlation between nose size and penis size. A team of Japanese researchers studied the corpses of 126 middle aged men. They took a variety of measurements, including height, weight, testicular weight, penis circumference, and flaccid penis length. They also took down stretched penile length, which researchers said best gauged the would-be length of the erect penis.
The short of it (as it were): The researchers measured the distance from the center of each subject’s eyes to where the nostril begins and found a correlation between that number and penis size. Subjects whose noses were smaller than 1.8 inches had a stretched penis length of 4.1 inches or less; those who had a nose that was 2.2 inches long (22 percent larger) had penises that, on average, measured 5.3 inches long. Those with nose-measurements that fell between those two extremes had an average penis size of 4.5 inches. Researchers concluded that “the fact that nose size is related to SPL (stretched penile length) indicates that penile length may not be determined by age, height or body weight but has already been determined before birth.”
So what does this all mean? For one, the study should be taken with a grain of salt given the researchers looked at only 127 subjects. But more importantly, the study teaches us a whole lot of nothing, other than the fact that the obsession with penis size is alive and well.
While it’s second nature for men to suffer from size insecurity and rank and compare their equipment to what they see in porn, in the shared showers at a local pool, or anywhere else, the truth of the matter is that it’s all relational: If you’re comfortable in who you are, what does it matter? If your partner is satisfied, what does it matter? This is a hard fact to finally grasp, as it requires one to eliminate preconceived notions of masculinity. Comfort with oneself takes time, and mostly becomes clear when a man is out of his teens and twenties and starts to settle down.
For fathers of boys in particular, this is good to note and bring up with your sons. I’m sure many men would admit that there’s a part of them that beams with pride upon hearing that their son is packing. Ballpark frank or mini cucumber, the size of one’s penis — or the features that might say something about the hung-ness — don’t have anything to do with who they are so much as with what they think it says about who they are. If your son has a prize hog? Good for him. If he doesn’t, what difference does it make? The less we adhere to these ingrained notions of masculinity, the more likely we are to highlight the attributes that actually matter.
Anyway, did you hear about the guy with the big nose? Big tissues.