11 Valentine’s Day Gifts That Slightly Increase Your Chance Of Getting Laid

All you need is love (and a credit card).

by Jonathan Stern
Originally Published: 
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You hear it every year around Valentine’s Day: “Don’t screw this up.” It’s second only to “You can sleep on the couch.” If you thought this day was just about telling your wife you love her and can’t live without her, why did she just text you a picture of the ring you’re supposed to surprise her with?

Let’s call Valentine’s Day what it is: A love State of the Union. A bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates and you’re just a lame duck husband going through the motions until Election Day (in this metaphor, that’d be your wife’s remarriage). But if you can really surprise your partner with something sexy/romantic/thoughtful/diamond, you will get multiple standing applause breaks (that’d be sex). Here are a few gifts to get you re-elected to Husband in Chief.

The Chocolate: Recchiuti Black Box

No Forrest Gump jokes included in this decadent box of sweets. First off, Recchiuti was chosen over 11 other brands by The Sweethome. Second, it has some weirdly wonderful flavors like burnt caramel, piedmont hazelnut, and something called force noir, which is either a flavor or a position she has to be very drunk for.

Buy Now $45

The Flowers: The Bouqs

Flowers are bullshit. They’re expensive. They’re usually sad looking. Then they die. If you want a batch that are as sustainable, reasonable, fresh, and fragrant as your relationship try the Bouqs. They promise a better-than-FTD experience, and their flowers are cut the day your order them. Because her flowers shouldn’t come in the same bag as your produce.

Buy Now $40

The Photos: Jesse Burke, Wild & Precious

V-Day isn’t just about sexy-time, it’s also about appreciating the family that your sexy-time made. Jesse Burke’s outdoor series with his daughter, titled Wild & Precious, has some jaw-droppingly beautiful compositions and is one of this year’s best photo books. The rocky coastlines of Rhode Island and the woods of Washington should inspire some kid-friendly adventures.

Buy Now $41

The Art: Eventide Collective

Even prisons in Norway have mood-calming art on their walls. While your Valentine may be expecting something they can eat, drink, or wear — bam you took a left and converted the bedroom into a love nest. Eventide Collective has inexpensive, curated art options that will make you look like a goddam Robert Hughes.

Buy Now Starting at $50

The Soft, Cozy Thing: Ohhio Knit Blanket

As Yoda once said, blankets lead to cuddling. Cuddling leads to spooning. And spooning leads to forking. (Not Yoda from Star Wars. Tim Yoda from college.) Buy this Ohhio handmade chunky knit Merino wool blanket. It’s suitable for draping both of you — preferably in front of a roaring fire with some D’Angelo playing.

Buy Now $400+

The Jewelry: Midwinter Co

This is definitely only for those who like it rough and uncut. Relax, just talking about jewelry here. Midwinter Co makes a rough cut diamond ring that is conflict-free and, while it looks more like a pretty pebble than an engagement ring, it’s kind of rustic and cool. You can write something in the card about how she found her “diamond in the rough.” But how many Xs and Os you sign is all you.

Buy Now $280

The Watch: Larsson and Jennings CM

Looking for a piece of functional jewelry? Larsson and Jennings’ CM is a fine piece of chronography. It features a 40mm case, rose gold plated stainless steel bezel, and detailed with rose gold hands. It’s also one-size-fits-all, so you can grab one, too, in manly Anthracite. No way to stop being that couple, now

Buy Now $380

The Bag: Lo and Sons

Science may still be trying figure out if the God particle exists or how stem cells work, but there is one piece of research it has nailed down: Women like bags. Lo And Sons has a clutch for everything that your significant other carries with her during the day: Makeup, wallet, and that thing that looks like a torture device for her eyelashes.

Buy Now $198

The Tech: Ringly

It’s a Bluetooth connected piece of chunky jewelry that lets her know when you (or someone important) is calling. She can also set up notifications for email, apps, calendar, tweets, texts — basically anything that you’d pull your phone out for, without the hassle of taking out the phone.

Buy Now $195

The Lingerie: True and Co

Getting a woman lingerie is not for novices. It’s a gifting tightrope walk where if you buy her the medium instead of the small, you will plummet to your death and kill several pedestrians. At True And Co., they only give you the hotness that will actually fit your special lady friend. Do your homework and hit that underwear drawer. Preferably while she’s not watching you.

Buy Now Starting at $25

Not satisfied with these selections? Check out other gift ideas here and here.

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