Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including a tough but fair Halloween candy strategy, the all-encompassing power of Disney, and a reminder that nobody can hurt your feeling quite like your kid. Get into it.
Look Out Below
Me: Do you understand what it means when living things die?
Me: So where do you think things go when they die?
Me: Our basement?
Son: Yes. My basement.
Me: Coolcoolcool. Ok. Goodnight.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) November 8, 2018
My 2-year-old turned three today.
So long, terrible twos.
Hello, terrible threes through eighteens.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2018
Rock the Vote
ME: did you vote yet?
SON: I’m 5
ME: if you don’t vote, you can’t complain
SON: complain about what?
ME: wow can you hear yourself right now?
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 5, 2018
Handle With Care
Some parents bubble wrap their kids to protect them from every danger in the world. Not me. I do it because I'm exploring shipping options.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 7, 2018
My Compliments to the Chef
I wish instead of complaining about needing groceries my kids would just be quiet and eat their angel hair pasta with bbq sauce.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 8, 2018
Dinner Is Served
My kids are each responsible for dinner 1 night/week now. I'm looking forward to a lot of PBJ sandwiches, chicken nuggets and Capri-Suns!
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 9, 2018
You know you're truly a parent when you are required to show the pictures in the book you are reading to the stuffed animals in the room.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 7, 2018
My method of helping my 7yo with homework is to repeat the same question she's stuck on with increasing volume.
"Tim has 5 apples. Jill has 8 more than Tim. How many apples does Jill have?"
"TIM HAS 5 APPLES. JILL HAS 8 MORE. HOW. MANY. DOES. SHE. HAVE?"
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 8, 2018
Ice Ice Baby
Disney on Ice is basically just 1,000 parents staring at their phones, but tonight there’s also a group of dads in a box watching NFL on a big flatscreen. Next level.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 9, 2018
Huh! I haven't caught the cold from the kids. Maybe I'm going to be okay!
*baby sneezes directly into my eyes*
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) November 9, 2018