Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including a brutally honest assessment of how much parents rely on coffee, the weird way kids try to get their letters to Santa, and why you may want to consider a llama for your next family pet. Get into it.
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
Simple way to get my kids to brush their teeth and do their homework: if they don't, they have to be a guest on my podcast.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 29, 2018
Don’t Have a Cow
Dropping the kids off at school this morning. pic.twitter.com/GZ2Du21kFb
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 28, 2018
Me: Did you know a guard llama can kill coyotes?
Wife: We're not getting a llama.
It's like she doesn't even want to protect our kids.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2018
Oh boy, my kids just got a soft-serve sundae and a fountain root beer at the Costco food court. Now I can make a little root beer float in my mouth every time I steal their food!
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 24, 2018
Coffee Is For Criers
“Poor grown-ups, if they didn’t have any coffee they’d be crying” – my daughter’s withering assessment of adult life
— James Kelleher (@etienneshrdlu) November 27, 2018
Smell You Later
Every kid’s backpack smells like pencil shavings and fruit punch.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 29, 2018
My son sent a letter to Santa. I hope it gets there. It doesn't have any postage on it and he put it in the bathroom heater vent.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 27, 2018
Have You Heard the Remix
Last Christmas, I gave you a hug.
But the Merry next day, get it away.
This year, silly the tears.
Get it to someone special.
– 4yo Amalah | Christmas Carols 2018
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) November 28, 2018
Forget About It
Welcome to parenting: Your child can recite all the intricate details of the latest Roblox update, but can't remember where he left his homework last night.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 27, 2018
What Is Going On?
My son said “tickle the tamale” must be masturbation but I said whoever came up with that phrase can’t be masturbating right
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 29, 2018