Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how idioms take on new meaning once you have kids, wondering whatever happened to relaxing, and the moment every parent realizes they can no longer help their kid with their homework. Get into it.
Dazed and Confused
My son showed me how to do large multiplication problems the way he’s taught to do it, and I’m no longer qualified to do 3rd grade math
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 12, 2018
What’s the Password?
Dad 1: *peers through slit in door* password.
Dad 2: hi password. I'm Dad.
Dad 1: *unlocks door approvingly*
— Quilliam (@nyquills) November 11, 2018
What’s the Point?
Me: Get dressed.
6-year-old: But then I'll have to do stuff.
She cracked the code.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2018
Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 13, 2018
Whew, I’m finally off after a long day at work. Time to kick back, relax aaaand just fucking kidding… I’ve got kids.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) November 12, 2018
SON: dad can you ride a bike with no hands?
ME: *kneeling down and clutching him by the shoulders* listen to me, you ever see a bike with hands you run, YOU RUN
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 12, 2018
Me: get off the xbox, you've been playing all day
9: how come you get to play video games all day?
Me: because I'm the adult
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) November 11, 2018
Handle With Care
Parenting tip: Buy your toddler a pop up book for them to enjoy once and then destroy.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 12, 2018
Used to bother me how PJ Masks encourages preschoolers to go outside at night but I guess if my toddler’s not going to sleep then she might as well be out fighting crime.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 11, 2018
What Do You Mean?
Expressions that took on a more literal meaning after having kids:
– let the cat out of the bag
– that's the last straw
– I see the writing on the wall
– let your sister off the hook
– don't bury your head in the sand
Parents, share some of yours in the replies!
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 14, 2018