Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including a brutally honest assessment of Frosty the Snowman, when it’s okay for parents to eat their kid’s Halloween candy, and the perfectly inappropriate Christmas gift for a 13-year-old boy. Get into it.
I need ideas on what to get my 13 year old son for Christmas that is not a Switch. Leaning toward bottle of scotch.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 13, 2018
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 11, 2018
I’m Loving It
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 11, 2018
Dead Men Tell Snow Tales
I don't think the song is nearly dramatic enough when Frosty dies right in front of the children's eyes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 10, 2018
Joke’s On You
[before dad jokes were invented]
Daughter: I’m cold.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 11, 2018
3-year-old: *gets a shirt stuck on her head*
Me: Let me help you.
3: I DO IT MYSELF.
If you're expecting us today, we'll be about three weeks late.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2018
Up All Night
Me, every morning at 6:30: I need to stop staying up late and catch up on some sleep.
Me, every night at 9pm: Well, the kids are asleep, I might as well stay up and enjoy this kid free time.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) December 12, 2018
The Truth Shirts
Wife: Why are you wearing that old shirt?
Me: It’s only 3 years old. I have shirts that are over 20 years old
Wife: Yeah, don’t get me started on those
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 12, 2018
Leaning the Lingo
A handy guide for Internet slang the kids are using these days:
IDK – I do karate
LOL – lemons or limes?
OMG – outstandingly magnificent genitals
IMHO – I make habanero omelettes
WTF – wild Tunisian ferrets
DIY – Darrell is yucky
YOLO – your old lady’s ovulating
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 11, 2018
Better Late Than Never
Wife: It's almost Christmas. You can probably finish the rest of his untouched Halloween candy.
Me: Release the hounds!
— dadpression (@Dadpression) December 12, 2018