Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how much food you waste by having kids, what adulting means for parents, and the hilarious reason you might want to yell at your kids even if they’re behaving.
Welcome to parenting: You now get the bruised banana for the next 18 years
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 25, 2019
Think you're ready for kids?
First, see how you handle doubling your grocery bill by buying a lot of snacks.
Still good? Ok, how does dumping half of them into the trash sound?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 22, 2019
Sorry there are 26 kids in your daughter’s class and Valentines come in boxes of 24.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 23, 2019
6-year-old: I woke up.
Me: Um, good job?
6: Thanks. I'm done for today.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2019
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called "Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)"
— Dead Pan Nick (@Contwixt) January 25, 2019
Hug It Out
8yo: Daddy, why are you sweaty?
Me: I’m not feeling good, kiddo
8: When I don’t feel good, know what makes me feel better?
8: Getting hugs from YOU
Me: How in tha fuck am I supposed to hug myself, ya little assho— oh wait I see what you mean c’mere ????
— Jonesy the Canuck ???????? (@Jonesy_donkey) January 25, 2019
Taste of Freedom
For a parent, adulting is what you get to do when the kids are out of the house.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 25, 2019
Sometimes I yell at my kids when they’re behaving just because their lives are too easy.
— The Baron (@baronvonbike) January 24, 2019
My son has a friend over and this kid just put his hand in the catbox because he thought it was a “salt bath,” I have a lot of questions for his parents
— K. Thor Jensen (@kthorjensen) January 25, 2019
Eye See You
My toddler keeps calling my name and then making me watch him lick the frosting on his Pop-Tart without breaking eye contact.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 25, 2019