Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the myth of “spill proof” kids cups, wondering if dogs have a favorite family, and the unexpected way your idea of free time changes once you have kids.
An Honest Day’s Work
Child [opening notebook]: I have to interview you about your job for a school project.
Child: Name three things you do at work.
Me: Poop, Twitter and Facebook.
Child [closing notebook]: I’ll ask mom.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 17, 2019
Sleeping & Creeping
My 2yo grabbed my face, and told me to "go to sleep like Moana's Nana"
What's the creepiest thing your kids have said to you recently?
— Grumpy Dad (@DadisGrumpy) January 16, 2019
Everyone claims to have the best kid.
Time to put up or shut up
Friday, 8pm, Behind the swings. Winner takes all. BYOB.
— FU I am Dad (@fu_dad) January 17, 2019
Worse For Wear
I’m Pretty Sure the Kids Have Worn the Same Clothes All Week: the story of a man whose wife is out of town.
— Victor LaValle (@victorlavalle) January 17, 2019
License to Spill
Before kids' cups can be labeled "spill proof," they should be filled with a caustic chemical and shaken over their designer's head.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 16, 2019
toddler [standing in the doorway]
me: Is the monster under your bed back?
me: What kind of sandwich does he want?
toddler: Peanut butter and jelly
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2019
Pro Tip: Describe any of the weird things your kid does as "STEM" and gain instant parental immunity.
— Micah (@ParentalGrit) January 17, 2019
One of the best things about making waffles for your kids is watching them touch everything in the house afterwards, guaranteeing a syrup-coated home
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 17, 2019
In the Doghouse
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don't agree then it's not you.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) January 16, 2019
Let's get married & have kids so instead of watching TV Sunday night you can research Plymouth Rock while I go buy a tri-fold poster board.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2019