Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how technology has changed the meaning of passwords, how getting a toddler to listen to you is like winning the lottery, and why the hardest part of parenting is getting your kid in trouble for being hilarious. Get into it.
If the Shoe Fits
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 7, 2019
Do You Believe in Miracles?
I just asked my toddler to do something for me and he actually did it.
I should buy a lottery ticket.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 11, 2019
When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 10, 2019
The Truth Hurts
When you try to tell your mom about something sweet your child did and she says, “Just wait, they always betray you” it’s doubly hurtful.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) January 10, 2019
Rise and Shine
Sometimes while he sleeps, we’ll stand over his bed and admire this human we’ve brought into the world. In those moments it’s hard not to want another child. But by morning he’s awake. And we’re sober.
And fuuuuuuuuck that.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 11, 2019
6-year-old: THE BALLOON EXPLODED.
Me: It popped.
6: You didn’t see it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2019
It's 7:30 AM and my four year old is suggesting we go to In-N-Out rather than school.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 9, 2019
Hold It In
Most things I scold my preschooler for saying are also things I secretly want to fist bump her for saying.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 6, 2019
Some Assembly Required
Dad: Look kids! I'm building a robot to help out around the house!
Son: Wow, I'm impressed!
DadBot: HELLO IMPRESSED! I AM DADBOT!
Dad: NO, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! THAT'S NOT HIS NAME!! [breaks down sobbing] I'm sorry… I've just been so full of rage since your mother died.
— We The Purple (@AlexNoelPeraza) January 10, 2019
What’s In a Name?
My son calls lady parts a ‘no willy’ and until someone comes up with a better name we’re sticking with that.
— FU I am Dad (@fu_dad) January 9, 2019