eing a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including why kids immediately slow down when you ask them to do anything, the myth of treehouses, and another example of why kids should be in charge of naming things.
My three year old’s preschool is closed tomorrow because there aren’t enough healthy teachers to staff it, in case you’re playing “what page of ‘The Stand’ are we currently at?”
— Bob Proehl (@bobproehl) February 8, 2019
Need for Speed
4-year-old: I'm fast.
Me: Show me how fast you can pick up your toys.
4: I'm only fast at fun.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2019
What’s in a Name?
my son just called a coffin a “skeleton burrito” and somehow I’m the one on twitter
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 7, 2019
Percent of kids that have treehouses in real life: 4%
Percent of kids that have treehouses in movies: 82%
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 6, 2019
At Your Service
Wife: She’s wearing her princess dress. Pretend you’re her servant.
— Daddy’s Digest® (@daddysdigest) February 7, 2019
The Truth Shirts
Once you reach that level of dad where you put your phone in your shirt pocket there is no way back.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 5, 2019
Parent Russian roulette is when your child says “look what I can do” and you reply “that’s great” without even looking.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 8, 2019
My 3 yo insisted on wearing 2 shirts today, and I think it’s partly because he wanted to wear 2 shirts, and partly because he loves watching me wash 86 loads of laundry.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 7, 2019
Hit the Bottle
Things drunk me has in common with my toddler:
– repeats things
– demands cake
– repeats things
– won’t leave the cat alone
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 4, 2019
My 3yo woke me at 2am so I could change his wet diaper. While I was doing it he literally laughed in my face and I just had to sit there and take it.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 7, 2019