Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how kids change during bedtime, what the weekend means once you become a dad, and the one thing parenting books will never teach you.
Tastes Like Chicken
Me: *cooks chicken breasts*
6-year-old: Wow! This almost tastes like the inside of chicken nuggets.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2019
I’ve Got the Power
*looks at my kids*
Thanks guys…see what happens when you forget to turn off your bedroom lights.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 15, 2019
What Is Bedtime Really?
And for my next trick I'll turn my kids into starving, dehydrated philosophers who also need to pee a lot, by simply using these two magical words, "It's bedtime."
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 13, 2019
One good thing about kids is they are always just a crazy straw and some chocolate milk away from the best day ever.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 15, 2019
When you have kids, a three-day weekend is nothing but a painful reminder of what you've lost.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 13, 2019
Oldest Trick in the Book
The parenting books never warned me how much of my day would be spent with the Puppy Dog Pals theme stuck in my head.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 10, 2019
Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 11, 2019
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked my 5yo went to the bathroom, laid down in front of the toilet and took a nap.
I guess what I'm trying to say is she's my new life coach.
— Daddy’s Digest® (@daddysdigest) February 13, 2019
My son just told me that we got 2 and a half METERS of snow, so I sent him off to England where he belongs.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 12, 2019
Good Clean Fun
If I had company in the shower before kids it was my wife. Now it’s the moldy squirtable cast of Sesame Street.
Showers have become decidedly less sexy.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 15, 2019