Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how global warming is affecting Christmas, why a big part of parenting is faking basically everything, and how your perception of kids change when they’re sleeping. Get into it.
Chip Off the Old Block
My daughter just walked over and pulled a potato chip from my hoodie pocket and ate it. I have so many questions.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 18, 2018
Who’s Your Daddy?
me: son, come here
wife: please don’t call him son, it’s weird
me: *petting rat* but I’m a proud daddy
— uopuɐɹq (@BraandoCommando) December 18, 2018
The worst part of being a parent is having to fake-wash your hands all the time so your kids learn proper hygiene.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 18, 2018
Let It Snow
A cute thing I tell my kids is that because of global warming, Santa is now floating on an iceberg just outside Greenland.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 19, 2018
That’s a Wrap
My kids can always tell which gifts I wrapped because they look like I covered them in glue and rolled them down a hill of wrapping paper and tape.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 17, 2018
Down to the Wire
I need a wrapped book for our class Christmas book exchange tomorrow.
-My 2nd grader at 10:22 P.M.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 18, 2018
Line in the Sand(wich)
3-year-old: *finds mustard on her sandwich*
Me: What's wrong?
3: My sandwich is broken.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 19, 2018
Sleep in Heavenly Peace
After my kids fall asleep I peek into their rooms and think, “Why do these precious little people act like such assholes?”
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) December 17, 2018
I Saw the Sign
The 6yo figured out she can sneakily stick a note on someone’s back. But she doesn’t know they should say things like “kick me,” so they just have space facts on them.
— Robert McNees (@mcnees) December 16, 2018
Turn It Off
What kind of sadist designs a loud electronic toy, but doesn't include an off switch?!
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) December 19, 2018