Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how becoming an adult is a lot less fun than we thought it would be and the insane logic of becoming a paren.
I’m a Monster!
my 2 month old: i cant sleep daddy i’m afraid of frankenstein
me: haha dont you mean frankenstein’s monster
my 3 month old: i do not. personally i find unethical and irresponsible scientific practice far more terrifying than any physical being and so should you
— father of literate three month old (@punished_picnic) August 7, 2019
“Those kids are the worst. Let’s make our own.”
— g a v i n (@distracdad) August 8, 2019
Most Important Meal of the Day
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
3-year-old: Hot dogs.
Me: Try again.
3: Chocolate chip cookies with chocolate sprinkles.
Me: *heats up hot dogs*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2019
Be the Change
17yo son: "Dad, the light is burned out in my bedroom."
Me: "There are new lightbulbs in the pantry."
17yo son: – Sighs – [goes to pantry, gets a lightbulb, brings it to me]: "Here you go dad."
Me: "Are you the laziest human alive?"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 8, 2019
Don’t Do Me Any Favors
It’s time to do away with birthday party favors. Parents hate making them and parents hate receiving them. My 4 y.o. does not need hard candy and a kazoo for going to your kid’s party.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) August 5, 2019
My 3rd grader wants to be something really scary for Halloween so we are going to dress her up as this note from her music teacher that recorders will be coming home this week.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2019
ME [as a kid]: when i grow up i'm gonna be my own boss
ME [now]: *directly reports to a wife, a toddler, and at least 5 different people at the office*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 8, 2019
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife's scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he's young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don't want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 7, 2019
Don’t Piss and Tell
Took a bath with my son last night which is a polite way to say I sat in his piss for 20 mins.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) August 6, 2019
Fun in the Sun
When my wife asks me to sunscreen the kids, she’s basically playing Russian roulette with the sun.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 4, 2019