Spider-Man: No Way Home finally swings into theaters this Friday (or early Thursday) but as a dad, you’re likely too busy raising a tiny human to see it on opening night. And that means one thing: avoiding any spoilers until you can actually find time to see the movie. But not having a movie (especially in the MCU) spoiled can be very, very difficult. So here is our five-step guide to not knowing everything that happens in Spider-Man: No Way Home before you get to see it for yourself.
Step One: Avoid Social Media
It’s no secret that the internet is not a place that respects spoilers and that is especially true on social media. So why risk it? Stay off Instagram for a bit and delete Twitter off your phone for the weekend. Sure, you might miss some selfies and topical jokes but it’s a small price to pay to not know what Peter Parker is up to in his latest adventure.
Step Two: Don’t Talk to Your Nerdy Friends
Chances are you have at least one of those friends who is absolutely OBSESSED with all things MCU-related and will almost certainly see No Way Home a couple of times this weekend. Once you get to see the movie, you can grab a beer and discuss the movie but for now, they are dead to you. Harsh? Perhaps but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Step Three: Do Not Think the 2007 film, Spider-Man 3
To keep yourself from fixating too much on No Way Home, you may try looking back on old Spider-Man movies as a form of distraction. It’s a smart strategy but, if you find yourself suddenly watching Tobey Maguire’s Emo Spidey, you’re losing grip with reality. Go make an omelet instead.
Step Four: Burn Your Spider-Man Comics
The movies are based on the comics, right? Well, then, you could be unintentionally spoiling your viewing experience by reading previous adventures about Peter Parker. Better to be safe than sorry and the only logical solution is to let the past burn in order to fully embrace the future.
Step Five: Travel Back in Time to Never Let Yourself Know About Spider-Man
The only real way to walk into No Way Home without any spoilers is to not have any clue who Spider-Man is. And the only way to accomplish that is to figure out time travel and stop yourself from ever discovering Peter Parker. Maybe that means heading back to 2002 to convince young you not to watch the movie. Or buying that first comic book. Whatever it is, prevent yourself from ruining your experience with prior knowledge of your friendly neighborhood web-slinger.
That’s it! Be safe in the multiverse out there!
Spider-Man: No Way Home hits theaters on December 17, 2021, and we’ll be spoiling the sh*t out of it that weekend right here on Fatherly.
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