Listen. I’m not a bad parent just because I got Bob Odenkirk’s slimy lawyer from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul on that personality quiz everyone is doing online right now. I don’t think it’s a big deal. Wait. Is it?
If you’ve dipped your toe into utterly pointless internet distractions right now, you maybe have noticed folks on Twitter and elsewhere talking about the Open-Source Psychometrics Project, which has a personality quiz that will match you with a variety of fictional characters ranging from invented worlds as disparate as the mean streets of Westeros in Game of Thrones to the meaner streets of New York in Sex and the City. Apparently, a lot of people online are saying they are getting the friendly Harry Potter witch, Luna Lovegood, as their personality match. (Side question: Does seeing yourself as Luna make you both a good person but also someone who can fall for obvious schemes? I.E. Is Luna’s dad the magical version of an anti-vaxxer?)
Anyway. The website has been around since 2011, and has lately been picking up steam because I presume, people are bored and looking for a personality test that confirms that they are as brave and pure as Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter or, better yet, that they are somehow as resilient as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, even if we all, in fact, know nothing about ourselves.
Now, let’s get one thing straight, the Open-Source Psychometrics Project determines its data not through expert-tested psychological tests (like Myers-Briggs) but instead polls from data generated by other users. In other words, the personality profiles are percentages that are determined by what other people think these various fictional characters are “like.” TLDR: This is crowd-sourced data that corresponds to various fictional characters, meaning it’s subjective as hell.
That said, when I took the 2-minute quiz and answered various questions about my tendencies, I was a little horrified to discover that I have an 80 percent match with “Jimmy McGill,” better known as “Saul Goodman” from the Breaking Bad franchise.
There’s no question that Saul (I’m just gonna call him that and not Jimmy) is not a “good person.” And yet, he is someone who reinvents himself in order to survive. And even though things don’t turn out well for him (spoiler alert!) he does team up with Walter White, a successful businessman and a pretty good dad, right?
Okay. None of this sounds good. Clearly, I’m just talking myself out this. The only good things about Saul are the following.
- He’s funny
- He’s a survivor (kind of?)
- He’s played by Bob Odenkirk, a personal hero of mine.
That’s about it! Other than that he’s awful. Luckily, although Open-Source Psychometrics Project defaults to all the characters in its database for your initial match, it also lets you filter your results trough different fictional universes if you want to. So, what happens when I select The Matrix instead of the general result.
Okay, so I got fucking “Cypher,” the guy who actually would actually rather live in the Matrix than fight against it and screws everyone over. In fairness, this tracks. I dislike reality and go to great lengths to distract myself with nonsense to keep myself happy. I would never betray people like Cypher, but hey, if I found out that my wife and daughter and myself were actually living in a simulation…I might…not…tell them?
Still, this is a bad look for a dad. You don’t want to be Cypher, you want to be Neo! So let’s see what else I get. Here’s what happens when I select The Dark Knight? What’s the worst that can happen?
Okay. It’s official. I’m a terrible parent. Either I’m the most ineffective lawyer in fiction, a guy who betrays Keanu Reeves or….the fucking Joker. And let me tell you it only got worse from there. I was evil Dolores from Westworld, a Cardassian spy from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and fucking Baltar — a guy who sells out humanity to robots — from Battlestar Galactica.
However, there were two saving graces. What about two things I actually care about — Marvel movies and Star Wars?
Well, here you go.
Yee-ho! See I am a good dad. Sure, Han Solo’s parenting doesn’t turn out that great, but still, not terrible! I’ll take it.
And with the Avengers, it only gets better.
Thank god. Yes. While I disagree with Tony’s decision to leave his family and go fight Thanos again (like strongly disagree) I do love my daughter and wife 3000. I can live with this. This is fine.
That said, somehow got fucking Tonks from Harry Potter. Not a villain, I know. But Tonks? I think I would have preferred to be Snape.
In the meantime, if you want a parenting personality test that is based on objective research, check out one made by your good friends at Fatherly right here.