Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the little lies you dread your kids realizing aren’t true, the lifespan of Santa, and how kids use technology to hurt your feelings.
Live and Let Die
Some deep thoughts from my 5yr old. “It’s not fair that we can die but Santa can’t die!”
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) May 2, 2019
What’s In a Name?
Son: I want a BMW.
Son: For lunch. A BMW sandwich!
Son: That sandwich with bacon, lettuce, and tomato!
Me: You mean a BLT.
Son: Oh. Yeah. That makes more sense.
Me: The world needs ditch diggers too.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 2, 2019
You Butter Believe It
I enjoy being the one to wake up with the toddlers. The first cup of coffee is a perfect pairing with those early morning meltdowns.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s butter to clean off the walls.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) April 30, 2019
One time I asked a rival dad (who I knew didn’t own a torque wrench) if I could borrow his torque wrench in front of a group of people.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 1, 2019
All Shark, No Bite
4-year-old: Can sharks leave the water?
4: Not even if they're really mad?
Me: What did you do?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2019
Big Little Lies
Simple facts I'm terrified of my toddler discovering:
– public parks don't randomly close
– tv's don't run out of batteries
– there is no actual world record for "fastest at putting away toys"
– chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same
Got any to add?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 1, 2019
20th Century Child: My dad went out for a pack of smokes. I never saw him again
Modern Child: My dad took his phone into the bathroom with him….so same.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 1, 2019
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, "Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 30, 2019
Need For (Less) Speed
Just when I convince myself that I’m incapable of murder, I see a car speeding through a school zone.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) April 29, 2019
I eat my wife's snacks and blame it on my children.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) May 2, 2019