Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the magic of fruit snacks, how movies fail to accurately represent parenting, and why you might want your kid to disobey you sometimes.
6-year-old: How much ice cream do you think I can fit in this bowl?
Me: None. We're not having ice cream right now.
6: But it's for science.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2019
Not Loving It
We’re all broken.
And by we I mean all of the parents at this McDonalds Playplace.
— EdelBrice 🥨 (@StranDadAbroad) May 14, 2019
You ever watch a scene so ridiculous it just ruins the whole movie? I saw one last night where the dad read his kid a single bedtime book then the kid said "goodnight" and closed his eyes peacefully. Absurd.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 15, 2019
Outlook Not Good
daughter: dad can I be a princess when I grow up?
me: honey, you can be anything *shakes magic 8-ball* else that you want
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) May 15, 2019
Skin in the Game
At least once a day my 3-year-old "informs" me that I will die if I lose my skin. At first it was kind of adorable but now I pat her down for razors just to be safe.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 16, 2019
“IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO BED,” I threatened, secretly hoping he’d do it again so I could send him straight to bed.
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) May 16, 2019
Sometimes my toddler stops dead in her tracks and very unconvincingly says, "I'm not pooping."
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) May 15, 2019
Out of the Box
Wife: What should we get for Britney’s birthday?
Me: How old is she?
Wife: She’s turning two.
Me: Give her an empty box and some balloons.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) May 16, 2019
[Shark Tank: Parent Version]
Me: Hi Parent Sharks. I've invented crustless bread that-
[Parent Sharks throw all their money]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 15, 2019
Fruit of Your Labors
Probably the best parenting tool is fruit snacks. Little bags of shut the heck up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 15, 2019