Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the million little things that make your kid cry, how cutting the sandwich correctly matters, and why you should think before signing your kid up for trumpet lessons.
Doesn’t Cut It
My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) May 7, 2019
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You Won’t Like Me When I’m Hungry
[school drop off]
Me: Be good.
6-year-old: I will. Except when I'm hungry.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2019
Yes I am the one who cut this child’s hair but I put forth to you, the real blame here lies with the one who LET me cut this child’s hair.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 8, 2019
Brick by Brick
Okay crew just stack the bricks as high as they go. Okay good now knock them over. Okay good now stack them up again.
Okay good now knock them over. Okay good now stack them up again…
-toddler construction foreman, probably
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) May 7, 2019
Air It Out
Almost time for my kids to get out of school and start on their summer project to air condition the entire neighborhood.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2019
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was "too wet"
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister "keeps looking at him"
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)
How about your kid?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 8, 2019
An Elephant Never Forgets
Before committing your kid to trumpet lessons you should live with a dying elephant for a couple weeks.
— EdelBrice 🥨 (@StranDadAbroad) May 8, 2019
Apply of My Eye
Children are the future leaders of the world and the other day mine bit into the skin part of an avocado like it was an apple.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) May 8, 2019
Set a Low Bar
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) May 7, 2019
Do You Believe in Miracles?
So when Jesus feeds 5,000 with five loaves and two small fish it’s a ‘miracle’ but when I do it at a family barbecue it’s ‘fucking typical, you idiot’
— FU Tang Clan (@FU_Dad) May 7, 2019