Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how kids are experts at hurting your feelings, why parents run out of things to talk about other than their kids, and explaining Steely Dan to your kid.
Think Outside the Box
My daughter just said, “what if boxing was just slapping?” And now I can’t stop thinking about how great that would be.
— chaddaniels (@thatchaddaniels) March 7, 2019
What’s In A Name?
13 yo looks at car radio.
“What’s Steely Dan?”
“It’s a band.”
“What does their name mean?”
“It’s the name of a dildo in a book about drugs.”
It’s called parenting, people.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 6, 2019
Life Imitating Fart
Last night for the first time my daughter farted and laughed. So begins a lifelong journey of joy and discovery.
— Paul Rust (@paulrust) March 5, 2019
I Scream For Ice Cream
6-year-old: *holds up an empty bowl*
Me: What do you want?
6: Ice cream.
Me: I meant what kind of cereal do you want?
6: The kind you leave in the cupboard so I can have ice cream.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2019
My kid found a kazoo. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, I’m sure you heard it at 5:30 this morning too.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 6, 2019
Sticks & Stones
My 3-year-old just called me a fat old lady and part of me thinks she has no idea what she’s saying while the other part thinks she knows exactly what she’s saying.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 6, 2019
Me: Who wants dad's world famous pancakes?
Lawyer: Your father died broke with nothing to leave you
Son: But he was a world famous pancake chef
Lawyer: Simple Bisquick recipe. I'm afraid he wasn't famous at all
Son: [weeping] ᵈᵃᵐⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵃᵈ
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 7, 2019
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 7, 2019
Sound Of Silence
The wife and I have a rule not to discuss the kids on nights out
So we sit in silence.
— FU I am Dad (@fu_dad) March 7, 2019
Chip Off The Block
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 7, 2019