Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how you can use Daniel Tiger to teach important lessons, why committing crimes is a part of parenting, and the unexpected benefits of chocolate.
The Butt of the Tiger
I’ve been making up fake Daniel Tiger songs to get my kids to do things because he’s the only one they’ll trust. Today I was like “Boys, remember Daniel Tigers song ???? Don’t touch your butthole with your bare hands ???? and they were suspicious but ultimately bought it
— Justin Halpern (@justin_halpern) March 13, 2019
Pay to Play
just paid 425k to get my daughter into a Color Me Mine
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 13, 2019
What Is Love?
Nothing says you love your kids like committing a federal crime
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 13, 2019
Just In Case
8-year-old: You didn't pack chocolate in my lunch.
Me: You don't need any.
8: What if there are dementors?
Me: *packs the chocolate*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2019
Today my 4 year old was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. Then she slept for 86 seconds in the car and will now be up forever.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 14, 2019
Corporations Are Parents Too
Being a parent means that sometimes you don’t find the missing shoe until they’ve already outgrown it.
— Netflix Family (@netflixfamily) March 14, 2019
Last night my 3-year-old woke me up because there weren’t enough stuffed animals in her bed and then woke me up an hour later because there were too many. Hope you’re having a great day!
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 15, 2019
Eat It Up
My children have my wife's eyes and my inability to eat spaghetti like an adult.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 15, 2019
Boss: You’re alone with the kids this week, aren’t you?
Me: Yeah. How did you know?
Boss: Because you kept referring to yourself as “Daddy” through the entire presentation.
Me: You’re fucking grounded.
— Jonesy the Canuck ???????? (@Jonesy_donkey) March 14, 2019
Farewell to Arms
I’d be much happier sleeping with my kid if I could pop off his little arms and legs like a Potato Head.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 15, 2019