Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how dramatic kids are about minor injuries, the way music changes once you become a dad, and why being a parent is sort of like being a celebrity.
What’s in Store
9yo: Dad, when I grow up, I’m going to open a store called “Nothing But Strawberries”
9yo: And we’ll sell everything BUT strawberries!
Me: Dude, that’s messed up
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 27, 2019
Beat the Clock
It’s like my family doesn’t even appreciate that time I went rogue from the nav and reduced our ETA by 2 minutes.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 28, 2019
No Pain, No Gain
An epic tale of a hero’s perseverance through spirit-shattering physical agony, except it’s our 8yo telling me about the “boo-boo” on her pinkie.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) February 28, 2019
Hop To It
My toddler looked out the window today and yelled “There’s a kangaroo in the back yard”
Now experience has taught me that he actually means squirrel. But I still have to go check. Because let’s face it, if there is a kangaroo out there there’s no way I’m gonna miss that sh*t.
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) February 24, 2019
Say My Name
When I was younger, I wanted to be famous just so others would shout my name when they saw me.
[Kids start screaming for me because they are fighting over one pair of pajamas]
Didn't think this one through.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 27, 2019
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 28, 2019
Who’s The Man(nequin)?
Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019
What’d You Do?
3-year-old: I'm being good.
3: So good.
Me: *looks around for what she broke*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2019
Life Is But a Dream
At breakfast I told my daughter that I was tired because I woke up in the middle the night and couldn’t get back to sleep.
Her: “Whenever I wake up, I can never remember if I’ve had a good night’s sleep or not.“
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 28, 2019
My son tried to avoid going back to school by running away from me at the bus stop, so I ran in the other direction and now we're both free!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 25, 2019