Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how kids change when they’re asleep, the need for bathroom locks, and why becoming a parent makes everyone a liar.
Color Me Impressed
It's weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 26, 2019
One Step Ahead
my teen has reached the precious age when she is lying about her social media use but she’s still not savvy enough to cover her tracks completely
— Josh Pivots Slowly (@Tryptofantastic) June 26, 2019
7-year-old: Can you move a spider outside?
Me: I could just kill it.
7: No. Then his family will come after us.
She's thinking two moves ahead.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2019
North Pole University
Pretty proud of this dad joke I made up on the spot today:
7yo son: Dad, did Santa go to college?
Me: Yes. He got his degree in Jolly-gy
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 26, 2019
After my kids fall asleep I peek into their rooms and think, “Why do these precious little people act like such assholes?”
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 27, 2019
Lock It Up
Welcome to parenthood, you're going to need a lock for your toilet. Yes, you read that right. A lock. For your fucking toilet.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 26, 2019
Get a Clue
An escape room for kids where all the clues are impossible for them to find because they're all behind something in the refrigerator.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 26, 2019
Why Can’t We Be Friends?
A dozen different kids refused to play with my kid at the park today. I guess the rejection gene didn’t skip a generation after all 🙁
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 26, 2019
In a Jam
I’d like to give a shoutout to yesterday’s traffic jam, or as it’s now known: the moment 4 asked me how babies are made.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) June 26, 2019
Bust a Cap
Well well well. We meet again, childproof cap.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) June 26, 2019