Be a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including a rite of passage that every dad experiences, how children are like terrorists, and why coffee is a parenting style.
One Man’s Trash
No one is full of more false hope than a parent buying one of those little trash cans for the car.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 20, 2019
Roll With the Punches
I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2019
The Terrorist Twos
If having a two year old has taught me anything it’s that I will 100% negotiate with terrorists.
I will also cuddle terrorists.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 20, 2019
Down for the Count
My wife and I start counting down from three when our kids misbehave. We just crossed negative one billion.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 18, 2019
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I'm on vacation.
Me: [decides to organize sauce pans]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 17, 2019
On the Fly
5 year old: I stuck my tongue out at my friend. I didn’t know I was going to do it but my brain told me to and then I just did it.
Me: Sounds legit.
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 19, 2019
A Gift & a Curse
Every child has a gift
It might be music,
math and reading,
Or, for our kid, it’s getting in covered in grass stains in the 30 seconds it takes to get from the door to the school bus.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 18, 2019
Take a Sip
There are two types of parent
1. Investigates why their child has suddenly gone quiet
2. Pours another cup of coffee and hopes for the best
— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 (@DaddyGrownup) June 17, 2019
Wood You Rather
5-year-old: Why is our house made of wood?
Me: What else would it be made of?
Me: Sorry I'm not a witch.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2019
Enjoy Your Gift
For Father's Day, my wife was just a little less annoyed by me than every other day.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 16, 2019