Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the nonsensical way a child’s memory works, the abundance of nerf wars, and why being a parent is basically joining the cast of Jackass.
Me: I have good news.
7-year-old: You got a pony?
7: You got TWO ponies?!
Me: No. It has nothing to do with ponies.
7: Then how can it be good news?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2019
Hate the Game
We paid hundreds of dollars for my kid’s sports team to play in a tournament so we could pay a gate fee to watch them.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 12, 2019
Do You Remember?
My 4yo remembers in explicit detail when she was barely 2 and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2019
Congratulations on your new baby boy! You will be finding Nerf bullets in strange places for the next 20 years.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 11, 2019
Drink It Up
Toddler 1: you ever drink bathwater?
Toddler 2: omg it’s fucking amazing.
Toddler 1: RIGHT!?
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 13, 2019
Worst. Day. Ever.
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 13, 2019
The Beast Within
Toddler: Daddy look I’m being an animal!
Me: I know I live with you.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) June 11, 2019
Jackass of All Trades
Being a parent is like living with your own personal "Jackass" crew; a lot of pointlessly running into things, too much broken furniture, and ridiculous crotch shots.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 10, 2019
Say It Again
My toddler has never said anything fewer than two hundred times.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) June 12, 2019
Vomit on his sweater already
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) June 13, 2019