Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including what constitutes an emergency for five-year-olds, when it’s necessary to lie about your kid’s age, and how sex changes after you have kids.
Show Me the Money
My 4y/o’s solution to me saying something was too expensive was “you can just go to work and get more money” if anybody needs a financial advisor.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 14, 2019
Me: I'm busy. This better be an emergency.
5: SURPRISE DANCE PARTY!
It's an emergency.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2019
Si Se Puede
Our 3yo just announced that he was “Swiper” and snatched the glasses off my face, so now I’m chasing after him like some sort of middle-aged out-of-breath Dora the Explorer.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 18, 2019
Hide and Seek
When my kids are upset, nothing cheers them up like a game of hide & seek. At least I assume it does. I hide at a bar down the street.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 19, 2019
13 Going on 12
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also she is only 12 when we buy movie tickets.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 15, 2019
Need for Speed
Hi, my name is Zach. I am a 41-year-old adult father. I just watched the Top Gun trailer and I'm going outside to lift some cars and scream at people. Goodbye.
— Zach Lowe (@ZachLowe_NBA) July 19, 2019
Do You Believe in Magic?
Sex life before kids: Magic Mike.
Sex life after kids: Tragic Mike.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 17, 2019
Your kids will go through a phase in which they regard everything you do or say in their presence as deeply embarrassing.
This phase typically begins at pre-adolescence and ends when you die.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) July 17, 2019
Hide & Sleep
2 year old is being suspiciously quiet in the lounge.
I go in to investigate.
What is the worst that could happen?
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 17, 2019
five beers in at Chuck E Cheese and i start tripping the toddlers who beat me at foosball
— Josh Wheelwright (@Tryptofantastic) July 17, 2019