Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including why kids are the opposite of vacuums, the difficult realities of traveling with children, and what an honest parenting book would look like. Get into it.
In Plane Sight
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) July 11, 2019
Messed Up
Kids are basically reverse Roombas
— Devin 🍞🥪 (@papasuncle) July 7, 2019
Toy Meets World
If my kid’s toys ever come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes
— Dave (@pittdave13) July 8, 2019
Growing Old
I'm 31 going on 313 thanks to kids.
— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 🇨🇦 (@DaddyGrownup) July 11, 2019
Bird Is the Word
I told my 7-year-old that birds fly in a 'V' formation because the one at the front has the map.
Still to this day he thinks I'm a fucking idiot.
— Stewie Tea ☕ (@stewteee) July 11, 2019
Resistance Is Futile
My new parenting book is coming soon:
‘How to avoid destroying dinner time by learning to pour tomato sauce onto a minutely specific area of a child’s plate.’
Chapter 1:
You have no chance.
The End.
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 10, 2019
Summer Bummer
Here’s a little song I wrote about kids being home for summer vacation it’s called “OMG WHEN DOES SCHOOL START“ and a one and a two
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 10, 2019
Elbow Room
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2019
Pick Your Battles
Marriage advice: don’t sweat the small stuff like finances or parenting. Grow up and argue about who slept worse the night before.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 7, 2019
Cereal Offender
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 8, 2019
