Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including how parenting is like taking a test, the subtle ways vocabulary changes when you have kids, and why you should never let your kid use your phone for too long
Phone It In
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 18, 2019
Job Well Done
Parenting confession: Sometimes I say "Nice job!" to my kids when really they just did an adequate job.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 18, 2019
Drove my daughter to school and on the way she wanted to “check my phone” and now I’ve just realized she futzed with my Bitmoji avatar: pic.twitter.com/6qU3MFU1YO
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 21, 2019
3-year-old: It's a good day!
3: I didn't put my shirt on backwards!
Start with the easy goals.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2019
Dad to the Bone
Fed the dogs and now I’m drinking vodka and eating peanuts like a goddamned dad
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 21, 2019
Do the Hustle
Most of being a dad is just remembering to say “hustle” instead of “hurry.”
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 21, 2019
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 20, 2019
The Tooth Hurts
wife: sorry, but the OBGYN said no sex for 6 weeks after childbirth
me: ok, what about–
wife: my dentist said 6 weeks too
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 20, 2019
In a Pinch
My toddler started playing this new game where he pinches my fat and laughs. It’s like he teamed up with my self loathing and I’ll be honest, fuck them both.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 19, 2019
Grading on a Curve
Parenting while sick is like trying to take a test without a pencil
In a different language
While your teacher pees on the floor and laughs at you.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) February 21, 2019