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63 Coronavirus and Quarantine Jokes to Retrain Your Face to Smile

It's a pundemic.

Humor is an essential coping tool for surviving tough times. Shared laughter gives us strength in adversity and can help us feel a bit more in control when the future looks uncertain.  And laughter literally makes us stronger. Recent studies have found that a good laugh can boost our dopamine levels and even shore up our immune systems. So while funny jokes — even coronavirus and quarantine jokes — might feel gratuitous in the face of today’s world, they can actually do a lot of good.

While we obviously need to continue to take COVID-19 very seriously, and follow the recommendations from the CDC and the WHO, it’s okay to find the humor in all of it. A well-timed pandemic joke can help us make  sense of the traumatic year we’ve just been through.  Living through a global pandemic, scary as it is, is also ripe with joke material. From convos with pets to lock down spins on the classic knock-knocks, here are some of the funniest quarantine, COVID-19, pandemic, and virus jokes on the internet.

Funniest Quarantine Jokes

  1. Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
  2. Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
  3. Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
  4. My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
  5. Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
  6. My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
  7. After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
  8. If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
  9. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
  10. Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
  11. Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
  12. I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
  13. The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
  14. Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
  15. I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
  16. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.
  17. Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
  18. Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.
  19. – Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
  20. Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
  21. If you bought 144 rolls of toilet paper in preparation for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before coronavirus.
  22. How did the health experts lie? They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.
  23. Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy. For months nobody has walked into a bar.

Funniest Coronavirus Jokes

  1. Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….
  2. You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
  3. What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.
  4. If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?
  5. What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
  6. What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
  7. Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
  8. You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
  9. Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
  10. Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.
  11. What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.
  12. The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
  13. I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
  14. Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.
  15. What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.
  16. Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.
  17. So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
  18. What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.
  19. If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
  20. Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
  21. I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
  22. Yeah, I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
  23. Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
  24. 30 days hath September, April, June, and November, all the rest have 31, except for March which was infinite.
  25. What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!
  26. You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
  27. What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.
  28. Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!
  29. What does eating raw garlic have to do with preventing COVID-19? It helps keep everyone at a safe distance.
  30. Knock Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Ech Who?
    Bless You!
  31. What did the astronauts say to NASA when they notified them that their mission was complete and they could return to earth? Thanks, but no thanks.
  32. What did the barista call her face mask? A coughy filter.
  33. During the pandemic, it’s important to take after NASA. Give people space.
  34. Why hasn’t anyone in Antarctica contracted COVID-19? They’re so ice-o-lated.
  35. I would make a COVID-19 joke, but it would be tasteless.
  36. What goes great with Corona? Lyme disease.
  37. What do all virus jokes have in common? They’re catchy.
  38. What do you call a coffee filter mask? A coughy filter.
  39. Going to ask my mom if the offer to slap me into next year still stands.
  40. Knock, Knock
    Go home, you’re supposed to be social distancing.