Trying to discover the secret of how to discipline a toddler will ultimately end in frustration. That because the desire to discipline a toddler is more a parent issue than it is a toddler issue. Toddlers are agents of chaos. That essentially how they explore their world. Discovering gravity and the limits of their new physical abilities can be frustrating but disciplining a toddler that’s learning is not the best idea. It’s far better to adjust expectations.
When defiant toddlers throw their bottles, frustrated parents often ask parenting expert Catherine Pearlman, author of the book Ignore It! how exactly to discipline them. The tough but fair answer is that it’s impossible. You usually cannot effectively discipline a baby until he or she is two years old – around the time your toddler is ready for potty training.
“If they’re ready for potty training, they’re ready for consequences,” Pearlman says. The problem is that many parents think that, once their kids can toddle about and respond to commands, that means they’re ready to understand consequences. But they’re usually not, so “parents discipline almost to make themselves feel better,” she says.
“But it really isn’t effective.”
Meanwhile, ineffective discipline can exacerbate parental frustration – which can result in yelling. A 2013 study published in Child Development highlighted just how dangerous regularly yelling at your kids can be. They found that harsh verbal discipline, such as yelling, swearing, and using insults, was as harmful as spanking and hitting. Likewise, 50 years worth of research suggests spanking and harsh punishment can lead mental health problems, cognitive difficulties, aggression, and antisocial tendencies later in life. And yet one in six parents are still doing it. Perhaps, Pearlman suggests, parents flip out at their kids because their misguided attempts at discipline don’t stick. they’re is some of the time – perhaps because they were so pissed their past attempts at discipline didn’t stick.
But if your kid isn’t developmentally ready for discipline, it’s not his or her fault. The point of discipline, Pearlman says, is behavioral training – creating consequences to prevent actions from happening repeatedly. If the child is as yet unable to mentally link the consequence to the action, you’re just screaming into the void and your child isn’t sure why. “A toddler running into the street and nearly getting hit being pulled back in and scolded, isn’t going to teach an 18-month old not to run in the street,” Pearlman explains. “They don’t have the capacity for this.”
Instead, for children under 2-years-old, Pearlman recommends redirection. Because long before a baby develops logic, he or she develops distractibility. If your kid won’t stop throwing a toy, take the toy away. If that infuriates your little darling (it will, trust us) regale him or her with silly voices. “They don’t need to be punished at that age, they just need to stop doing what they’re doing,” Pearlman says. So redirection is key.
Around age two, it’s time to introduce consequences. But Pearlman says its crucial that parents not let punishments become sneaky ways for kids to grab more attention. “When a kid misbehaves they get all kinds of attention from us,” she says. “That in itself is reinforcing and more likely to make the behavior continue.” One alternative to timeout, the ultimate attention grabber, is simply ignoring your child for a short period of time. This makes timeouts less of the game that they’ve become – where kids attempt to win more attention by not facing the wall – and turns timeout into more of the hard reset it was always meant to be. Besides, ignoring is far more relaxing than yelling or policing.
The Four-Pronged Approach to Starting Discipline
- Distract rather than discipline children under 2-years-old, whose attention can be easily redirected.
- Wait to discipline a toddler until they’re also ready for potty-training.
- Avoid harsh verbal discipline, such as yelling, swearing, and using insults, which can be harmful to a child’s development.
- Create consequences to prevent actions from happening repeatedly, not to simply punish. Allow them to learn from mistakes.
Once a child reaches school age, he or she is ready to process more substantial, real-world consequences, such as not getting to go outside for recess because they didn’t do their homework. They also become capable of empathy. The combination of these two factors mean that they are finally capable of learning from experience, not just parent-driven punishment. Learning from your own mistakes is always more effective, Pearlman says. “Kids can really feel the pain of their own consequences in age-appropriate doses, and that’s the absolute best solution for discipline.”
The bottom line is that if a kid isn’t learning from what a parent’s doing, it’s not technically discipline. And if your child is not developmentally ready for behavioral training, you’re just wasting your breath (and potentially causing long-term damage by yelling and punishing too harshly). In any case, no one learns and everyone has a bad time. So don’t think of it as abdicating your parental duties to curb misbehavior. Think of it as saving your strength for bigger battles.
And, seriously, let one-year-olds be one-year-olds.