What Am I Doing To My Kid When I Yell?
Short answer: You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of shouting matches.
When kids misbehave, yelling can feel like the natural response. Shouting and yelling at your kids might feel like a release, serve as a form of discipline, or seem like the only way to get a kid’s attention, especially when you’re stressed. But the psychological effects of yelling at a child are real, be they a toddler or a middle schooler, and experts consider it downright damaging. As bad as spanking? No necessarily, but not far off. If actual communication is your goal, you’ll need to learn how to stop yelling at your kids in favor of more effective methods.
As provocative as some behaviors may seem, they rarely warrant yelling. The truth is, yelling at a child doesn’t suddenly trigger remorse and contriteness, but it might result in harmful psychological effects. As hard as it can be to resist the temptation to scream, ultimately, yelling at kids is deeply unhelpful.
According to Laura Markham, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, founder of Aha! Parenting, and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, yelling is a parenting “technique” we can do without. Thankfully, she has some anti-yelling rules to remember, and tips for helping us learn how to stop yelling at our kids, no matter how frustrated we may feel in the moment.
The Psychological Effects of Parents Yelling at Kids
The psychological effects of yelling at children, especially younger ones, are real. Markham says that although parents who yell at their kids aren’t ruining their kids’ brains, per se, they are changing them.
“Let’s say during a soothing experience [the brain’s] neurotransmitters respond by sending out soothing biochemicals that we’re safe. That’s when a child is building neural pathways to calm down,” Markham says.
When parents yell at their toddler, who has an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and little executive function, the opposite happens. Their body interprets their resulting fear as danger and reacts as such. “The kid releases biochemicals that say fight, flight, or freeze. They may hit you. They may run away. Or they freeze and look like a deer in headlights. None of those are good for brain formation,” she says.
If they’re responding to a parent’s yelling like that repeatedly, the behavior becomes ingrained and informs how they treat others. If you’re yelling at your toddler every day, you’re not exactly priming them for healthy communication skills.
Yelling at Kids Is Never Communicating
Nobody (except for a small percentage of sadists) enjoys being yelled at. So why would kids? “When parents start yelling at kids, they acquiesce on the outside, but the child isn’t more open to your influence, they’re less so,” says Markham. Younger kids and toddlers may bawl; older kids will get a glazed-over look — but both are shutting down instead of listening. That’s not communication.
Yelling at kids might get them to stop what they’re doing, but you’re not likely to get through to them when your voice is raised. In short, yelling at kids doesn’t work.
Grown-Ups Are Scary When They Shout
The nature of the parent-child relationship makes for a one sided power dynamic. And as the person with the power, parents have a responsibility to take extra care with how they communicate with their child. Because parents hold absolute power over young kids, it’s important to avoid turning your anger into full-on despotic control.
To kids, parents are humans twice their size who provide everything they need to live: food, shelter, love, Paw Patrol. When the person they trust most frightens them, whether by yelling or other means, it rocks their sense of security.
“They’ve done studies where people were filmed yelling. When it was played back to the subjects, they couldn’t believe how twisted their faces got,” says Markham. Being screamed at by their parents can be seriously stressful for kids. A 3-year-old may appear to push buttons and give off an attitude like an adult, but they still don’t have the emotional maturity to be treated like one. Learning how to stop yelling in favor of more age-appropriate strategies will be more effective in the long run.
Replace Yelling at Kids With Humor
Ironically, humor can be a much more effective and not as hardline alternative to yelling. “If the parent responds with a sense of humor, you still maintain your authority and keep them connected to you,” says Markham. Laughter seems like a more welcomed outcome than cowering.
Not Yelling at Kids Isn’t About “Letting Them Off Easy”
Parents may feel like they’re putting their foot down and delivering adequate discipline when they yell at their kids. What they’re really doing is exacerbating the problem. When parents yell at toddlers, they create fear, which prevents kids from learning from the situation or recognizing that their parents are trying to protect them. Scaring a kid in the moment may get them to knock off what they’re doing, but it’s also eroding trust in the relationship. Learning how to slow your reaction and stop yelling at your kids isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
Parents Who Yell at Kids Train Kids to Yell
“Normalize” is a word that gets thrown about a lot these days, but parents shouldn’t underestimate how much power they have over what behavior children learn is acceptable. Parents who constantly yell and shout make that behavior normal for a kid, and eventually, kids will adapt to it. As easy as it is in the moment to yell at a kid, the long term effects could backfire.
Markham notes that if a child doesn’t bat an eye when they’re being scolded, that’s a good indicator that there’s too much scolding going on. Instead, parents need to first and foremost be models of self-regulation. In essence, to really get a kid to behave, grown-ups have to behave first. Learning to resist the urge to yell in response to every instance of bad behavior is a good place to start.
When It’s Okay to Yell at Kids
Although the majority of the time, yelling isn’t prescriptive, “there are times it’s great to raise your voice,” says Markham. “When you have kids hitting each other, like siblings, or there’s a real danger.” These are instances when shocking them by shouting works. But Markham says that once you get a kid’s attention, you should modulate your voice. Basically, yell to warn, but speak to explain.
Nobody is going to stifle themselves around their kids all the time, nor should they. That’s not what it’s like to be a person. But failing to do so on a daily basis and constantly yelling and shouting is probably a less-than-productive long-term parenting strategy.
How to Stop Yelling at Kids
- Recognize your triggers.
- Remember young children aren’t trying to push your buttons. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
- Consider that yelling teaches children that adversity can only be met with a raised and angry voice.
- Use humor to help a kid disengage from problematic behavior. Laughter is better than yelling and tears.
- Train yourself to raise your voice only in crucial situations in which a child might get hurt.
- Focus on calm dialogue. Yelling shuts down communication and often prevents lessons from being learned.
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