The Fashion Backlash To Cargo Shorts Has Reached An All-Time High

The big short.

Originally Published: 
Cargo Shorts Could Hurt Your Marriage
Flickr / David Galbraith

The question “Is that a banana in your pocket?” usually implies you’re about to get some, unless you’re wearing cargo shorts, in which case you might just have a banana in one of your many pockets. If that’s the case, and your partner is anything like Dane Hansen’s spouse, you should prepare to continue not getting any.

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In a recent Wall Street Journal article about the sex life-killing properties of cargo shorts, Hansen estimates his wife Ashleigh has disposed of as many as 15 pairs of cargo shorts in their 11 years of marriage. The large pocket loyalist is now down to one pair, which he keeps hidden away in a small closet because he now knows better. “I don’t let her get her hands on them,” he told the WSJ. “I wish I had caught on sooner.” Mrs. Hansen isn’t the only hater. The Business Insider railed against them earlier this year, Buzzfeed couldn’t even appreciate them in an ironic way, and a country club banned Michael Jordan over cargo shorts back in 2012 (no word on whether Jordan’s wife had anything to do with the ban).

Flickr / TheeErin

Fashion historians suspect that cargo shorts were originally created for military use, but were popularized in the 90s by bare chested Abercrombie & Fitch models — who presumably kept their shirt in one of the huge pockets. “Those teenagers are now married, and they don’t get rid of their clothes. They don’t evolve,” Joseph Hancock told the times. He should know: A professor at Drexel University, Hancock wrote his Ph.D. thesis about cargo pants (probably to prove something to Mrs. Hancock).

If you’re the kind of father who has proudly given up chasing fashion in favor of chasing your kids, feel free to ignore this rising tide of anti-cargo shorts sentiment. But if you’re beginning to suspect that your shorts drawer could use a reset, maybe take a few tips from this guy, who runs one of the more accessible fashion sites on the internet. Or just thumb your nose at a judgmental society and stop wearing shorts — or pants — altogether.

[H/T] The Wall Street Journal

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