Subaru Just Released the Subaru Forester FUCKS And I’m Furious I Can’t Buy One

We all need this.

Originally Published: 

Editor’s note: This story has been updated.

For several years, the most omnipresent ad slogan for car-maker Subaru has been “Love. It’s what makes a Subaru, a Subaru.” But the times they are a-changing, and the Japanese car company is making it clear that when they said love they also meant making love, as in f**king. The evidence: the newest offering from Subaru is a special car called the Subaru Forester Fucks. Seriously.

At last week’s Singapore Motorshow, Subaru unveiled a compact version of the popular family car, the Subaru Forester, but this one is called: The Forester Ultimate Customized Kit Special edition. They clearly didn’t choose these initials on accident. The people who make the overwhelmingly most popular family car in the world, want you to know that this family car, does in fact, fuck.

But what is the Subaru Forester FUCKS? Well, it’s pretty much a regular Subaru Forester with red racing stripes. It also seems a little more compact than my 2009, grey Subaru Forester that also fucks, I swear, but maybe not as much as this model?

Right now, it looks like this specific model of Subaru was made exclusively for the Singapore market, which means I can’t buy a Subaru FUCKS in the US right this instant. That said, I’ve got a while before I need a new Subaru, and you can bet that if this version becomes available, I’ll be the first one in line to get it.

UPDATE: According to a news article on The Drive, it turns out that nobody will ever be able to get the Subaru Forester Fucks in the United States. Subaru issued an apology to American car dealers saying: “It goes without saying that this car will not be available in the United States market…” and that “…the name given to a special edition Forester by the independent distributor in Singapore.”

So there you go, dreams dashed.

See, the thing about having a Subaru and being a husband and father is that you know the car you are driving is uncool. Sure, I can take that sucker up from 25 all the way to 40 once I clear the school zone, but even if I’m blasting Huey Lewis and the News at full blast, everybody knows I’m not cool. Driving a Subaru Forester Fucks will not make me cooler, but it would make me feel cooler.

So, to the good people at Subaru, I say this: Think about your real target demographic here. Me. I’m the guy who wants to buy the Subaru Forester FUCKS. Make this available in America! We’re ready for it.

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