Rudy Giuliani, You’re Ruining Hair Dye For Everyone

Trying to overturn election results and incorrectly applying hair dye? It's a scandal.


On the afternoon of Thursday, November 19, the Trump legal team hosted a press conference about their efforts to overturn the election results. It’s not a strong argument, consider the 5.5 million more votes Biden received than incumbent Donald Trump. Still, the president wants the wants them, so the arguments must be made, and no one is working harder to bring them to national attention than Rudy Giuliani and his terribly applied hair dye, which was the full-on star of today’s democracy-damaging performance by the Trump team, and quite frankly, stole the show.

At some point, Giuliani, who may have been sweating under the weight of various falsehoods about voting (a convoluted plot about Venezuela hacking into voting machines and changing votes “after everyone went to sleep” is a major part of the Giuliani accusations), had a dark brown liquid dripping down the side of his face. And yes, you guessed it, it’s most likely hair dye.

The photos are yes, cringeworthy, and honestly, to focus on this in the face of a major political party brazenly discrediting one of the most secure and smoothly-run elections in years, and seeing how much they can get away with in the interim, probably seems like small potatoes. But for the sake of all men who dye their hair we just have to say to Rudy Giuliani: You’re ruining hair dye for everyone. If you’re going to dye your hair while you try to subvert democracy, at least do it well.

First of all, there is no shame in hair dye for men of any age. Ageism is rampant, silver foxes aren’t made from any old greys, and some men just prefer darker hair — especially when your hair is thinning. We get it. No shame there! But if you do want to dye your hair, for God’s sake, follow the instruction. Mr. Giuliani, did your box tell you to use cold water? Yes? Then use cold water! It’s a well known fact that warm water causes the dye to bleed in many over-the-counter dyes If you’re not one to read instructions, then go with something easier. Just for Men has a wildly simple over-the-counter shampoo that you use, rinse out, and go on your business. It was made for you, Mr. Giuliani! When your hair is something grey, and then magically less grey, and then grey again, people know what’s up. They mostly ignore it because, like a haircut, hey, you look good today! But now, because of your streaking shenanigans, they’re going to be looking for streaks down the face of any man with a bit of pepper up top. Our advice to you? Maybe just shave it down. And, considering how delusional you’ve been lately, maybe you’ll believe us when we tell you that you look just like Bruce Willis. How’s that?