Carol and Geoff are married with two kids. They met five years ago at a tantra workshop so it’s safe to say that balance in all things, and connection to mind and body, is pretty important to their relationship. Carol is also a relationship and sex coach who runs her own business, My Love Coach. Her work in helping others have healthy sex lives and relationships has helped her and Geoff cultivate an active conversation about the amount of sex they want to be having and the amount of sex they aren’t necessarily able to, with a 2.5 year old and a four-month-old who still sleeps in a bassinet by their bed. Still, they get by with what they have — stolen moments — and do so with an attitude that amounts to “don’t sweat the small stuff” (the small stuff being when their four-month-old interrupts sex). Here, they talk about their sex life, what they love about it today, and what they are looking forward to in the future.
The Couple: Carol (40) and Geoff (41)
Years Married: 4 yearsYears Together: 5 yearsKids: 2, one 2.5-year-old, one 4-month-oldJobs: Relationship coach and entrepreneur (her), lawyer (him)Location: Toronto
You have a two-and-a-half year old and a four month old. How has your sex life changed over the past few years?
Carol: I think we were totally naive when it came to how our sex life might change after having kids. I am a dating and relationships expert — so I knew it would be challenging, but not this challenging.
Geoff: Plus, our kids are not great sleepers. Usually one of us sleeps in with our toddler and the other in a separate room with the baby. It’s nearly impossible to find time to be intimate in the evenings. It takes a lot of energy to parent two young kids.
That said, we wouldn’t change it for the world, but, yeah, it leaves little energy for other things. We know that this is a phase, that our kids will soon sleep independently, but sex is no longer as easy as just climbing into bed with each other every night. It doesn’t happen as often. We hope, with some extra effort, we’ll get there.
C: It’s funny — we actually met at a tantra workshop. We had a fabulous sex life before kids. There is a gap now between where we are and where we’d like to be. Thinking of it as just a “gap” helps me to see that it’s temporary, and we are able to do something about it. This year we decided to play with more intentionality with sex, and being more creative. We’re even scheduling day time dates to make it happen.
Do you miss anything about your sex life before, now that you’re busy parents?
C: Sex before becoming parents was much easier and more fun. It was easy to find excuses to have sex, and it was generally every night. That said, we weren’t together for long before we decided to have kids. The other thing that has changed is that both of us now have entrepreneurial pursuits that require significant dedication and time.
C: Spending time on that is choice we willingly made, and it will have a long term benefit to the family, but it does take time away from sex.
So were things kind of normalized until the four-month-old came along?
C: Yeah, adding another kid to the mix made it even more complicated. A few weeks ago we planned a noon lunch, wine and sex date. Our toddler is in daycare, and our youngest was supposed to be asleep. But as soon as we were about to get intimate, our youngest chose that time to scream and cry. So we try our best to be lighthearted about it [when it doesn’t work out].
So that sounds fun. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But it’s good that you’re prioritizing it, as much as you can.
G: We don’t prioritize it as much as we should. We’re working on it.
How has the quality of your sex life changed? Anything positive coming from it?
G: The quality is different now, but it’s hard to describe exactly. It does feel somewhat strange that it’s not spontaneous. Sometimes, we have to have sex with the four month old sleeping in a bassinet beside the bed. That is definitely strange and can feel awkward.
C: So funny and true. She could wake up any minute. I think we do a good job of finding time to cuddle and snuggle, though. We give that more importance and do what we can to make it all work.
And we’re really good at scheduling dates, which helps us see ourselves as a couple, in addition to being parents. This year for Valentine’s Day, we both gave each other fun things to do as a couple that don’t require getting out of the house.
What did you do?
C: Geoff gave me Fog of Love, a board game that helps us to connect as a couple. I gave him a couples bucket list book so we can make plans for the future and keep us focused on things we want to do together.
With all that’s changed — given how you’ve met, and where you are today, — what is your favorite part of your sex life today? Is it different than what it was a few years ago?
C: Flirting and sneaking in a provocative touch when the kids aren’t looking! That really helps keep things fun out of the bedroom, too.
G: Honestly, my favorite part is simply finding the time to have sex when the kids aren’t demanding our attention. Sex and intimacy is important to both of us. I think we do a good job talking about it, being intentional, and being lighthearted. We know our sex life will evolve over time and I do miss the spontaneity and freedom. But I don’t think we’d change anything. Having our two beautiful daughters is worth it. Plus, as a coach, I know how important sex is to keep a relationship in top shape. I feel like I’m developing a deeper appreciation for the challenges couples face when they have kids. I’m grateful for that, too.