The most difficult thing about starting a penis-strengthening workout was figuring out which muscle I was actually trying to work. It’s somewhere in the tainted region between the testicles and the anus, a place that’s impossible to see. On arm day, I can check my form in the mirror. On leg day, I can look down. On penis day, well, I struggled to spot the pelvic floor. The only way to check my work would be to hit the weight bench bottomless, hoist my legs up high and wide, sweep my penis to one side, and stare directly into that old black hole. Doing this would get me banned from Crunch.
Still, I was all in. After all, the purported benefits of the penis workout, essentially Kegel exercises for men created by Dr. Andrew Siegel, include improved sexual performance, better bowel control, and dribble-free urination. Was I skeptical of the three-week plan? Not really. I was more skeptical of whether I could stick it out.
So I hedged my bets. I didn’t tell my wife what I was doing. After all, I needed to maintain experimental controls to see if the workout worked. But, after flexing my butt cheeks and abs repeatedly, I gave in and went to her as an expert source. Where, I asked, was this mythic pelvic floor? She’s a mother of two and a Kegel veteran so she had thoughts. And, with her guidance, I was finally able to do it right — flexing the muscles commonly used to cut the flow of urine when needed. As suggested, two fingers tucked behind the testicles confirmed a pulsing pelvic floor as I flexed. I was finally rolling. I washed my hands regularly.
Then I hit a pelvic wall.
There’s something very weird about having sore taint muscles. It’s a strange and unrelenting ache right at the root of the body that’s hard to disregard. I know because, in my zeal of finding the muscles, I overworked them. Once I stopped Kegel-ing to make the ache go away, I forgot I was on my three-week plan altogether and had to start over.
Back at the beginning, I started Kegel-ing at my desk while writing. And, after two weeks, I could do the repetitive bursts of holding and flexing just fine. I was, I thought, on the right track. And I felt I was seeing some proof.
I didn’t notice much in terms of my bowel control. But I hadn’t had troubles in that area anyway. I already poop like a champion so improvement would have been unexpected. That said the post-pee dribbles were less frequent. I was suddenly able to close the faucet tightly. This made me believe that my sexual stamina and pleasure were about to go through the damn roof.
It should be noted that I didn’t really notice any change in my erections. They were as proud as they had ever been, but no prouder. But when it came to sex, my first hurdle post–penis workout was to not think about Kegels and penis workouts while having sex. Thinking about gains was, frankly, distracting. All of my attention was down on my pelvic floor wondering if I should be flexing or what? And nobody wants a partner thinking only about their own junk when getting it on. So, needless to say, I underperformed.
I recalibrated, but the next time we had sex was still very aware of her reactions. I marked every little twitch, sound and breath for signs that my penis workouts were paying off. This was a very good thing. We lasted longer and were both more than satisfied. In the end, we lay there panting and congratulating one another. I don’t know how much of that could be attributed to the fact that I’d been doing desk Kegels for weeks, but whatever works works. We were in a coital feedback loop of awesomeness.
So, yes, I’m a Kegel man now. Was it the sex that sold me? Not really. Mostly, I’m happy to pee on myself less. But I also know better than looking a gift horse in the anus so I’m still prioritizing staying pelvic swole. And I’m paying more attention to my wife. I know I probably should have been doing that before, but let’s just agree to focus on the fact that I’m doing that now.