The Absolute Grossest My Kid’s Ever Done, According to 20 Dads
From painting with poop to bathing in urine, kids are disgusting and they don't even know it.
It takes a lot to gross out a parent. From the moment a child is born covered in cheese phlegm and amniotic fluid to their first runny poop and projectile vomit, it’s all bodily fluids all the time. It doesn’t take long to become desensitized to the grossness. In fact, by the time a toddler starts devouring boogers and picking their butts, most parents have seen it all. Or have they? We wanted to know. Which is why we asked 20 dads for the most disgusting things their kids have ever done. And to be honest, they didn’t disappoint. From bathing in urine to finger painting with feces, kids really are the grossest.
No, No, It’s Cookie Dough. I Swear.
“My youngest proudly tricked his older brother into eating just one more dollop of cookie dough off his finger as snack time was ending. Except it wasn’t cookie dough. It was a booger. A cookie dough-sized booger. I watched it all go down, and the incident is etched into my memory forever.” ⏤ Pete Tirella
Like a Mother Bird With Her Chick
“When my daughter was about 8-months old, my sister was on the floor playing with her. She was lying on her back and raised the baby in the air, carefully balancing her over her head. And just as she was smiling and talking to her, my daughter released what appeared to be about half of her lunch straight into my sister’s mouth. I’ll never forget the sounds that simultaneously came from both of them.” ⏤ Jonathan Sheinkop
Ahhh, Yes, I’m Definitely Getting Pink Eye Now
“It’s 3 am and we have a sick baby. He was feverish, fussy, snotty, and pathetically sad. I was rocking him and trying to calm him when he took a sopping wet hand out of his mouth, wiped it all over his booger-y face, and quickly and forcefully shoved it into my eye. I woke up the next day with a wicked case of pink eye (obviously).” ⏤ Tyghe Trimble
It’s The Face Fart Game, Dad
“One day I walked down the small flight of stairs to our playroom where I found my two little boys stripped down to their undies. I noticed that one child was squatting over the face of the other and, before I could say anything, he farted in his brother’s face. Directly. Point blank. His brother inhaled, yelled “EwwWWWW,” and laughed uproariously. Then, to my horror, they switched positions. I simply walked away.” ⏤ Patrick Coleman
Let’s Just Give This A Quick Rinse
“My 1-year-old put the TV remote into the toilet, just seconds after my 3-year-old pooped in there.” ⏤ Dan Guthrie
Chunks From The Top Bunk
“An especially nasty bug wormed its way into my house a few months back after a friend’s 1-year-old puked on her cupcake during a visit. My 2-year-old daughter was attacked first, and we watched her vomit and cry for days before my wife, and I took turns vomiting (and crying). By the time this unwanted guest finally walloped my 7-year-old at 3 am one evening, it was at full power. The result was an epic, Niagra Falls-level spew off the top bunk that is now the stuff of legend in our family.” ⏤ Gabe Capone
Lip Sync This!
“My oldest boy found some dog poop when he was 2-years-old and proceeded to smash in his hands while dancing to Olivia Munn performing on Lip Sync Battle! I think he ate some of it, but I can’t be certain.” ⏤ Robert Brosset
Poop Play Doh?
“When my youngest daughter was 2-years-old and really getting the hang of being mobile, she wandered into the bathroom and found poop in the toilet that my oldest neglected to flush. Naturally, she began to play with it. By the time I came around the corner, there is poop all over the cabinets, the toilet (top and bottom!), the sink, the floor, the bath mats and the shower doors. And there was Zoe, covered with smeared poop from head to toe ⏤ and all over her teeth ⏤ proudly standing there smashing a turd in her hand so it squeezed out her fingers. She looked up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” ⏤ Tim Landucci
Pacifier, Butt Plug, You Say Potato…
“My 7-year-old stuck his brother’s pacifier up his butt and then gave it to him. Luckily, the kid didn’t fall for it!” ⏤ Alex Troncale
This Handrail Really Is Delicious
“My son was infatuated with the public transportation system ⏤ specifically, the train ⏤ the first time we visited Chicago. He wanted to ride it anywhere. After a full day of sight-seeing we were heading back to our hotel on the train, and I made the mistake of taking my eyes off of him for two seconds. He was about the same height as the handrail he was leaning against, and when I look back down he had his mouth firmly wrapped around it. My wife and I were mortified and, after quickly correcting him, jumped off at the next stop and made a mad dash to a CVS for mouthwash and hand sanitizer.” ⏤ Andy Baumgartner
Finger Painting With Feces
“When my daughter was about a year-and-a-half-old, she decided to take off her dirty diaper and wipe poop all over the walls and crib. Of course, not before taking a bite of it first.” ⏤Zachery Roman
…And Then I Threw Up
“My oldest was having problems getting her ears to pop on a flight home. She cried and cried and finally cried herself to sleep on my shoulder. When she woke up she threw up all over me. And then I threw up all over me. Good times.” ⏤ Dan Brown
Why Does Spider-Man Keep Crapping In The Crib?
“My 2-year-old is a poop terrorist who hates diapers. Every morning we would walk into his room to find a turd hidden under his favorite Spider-Man doll.” ⏤ Robert Dean
Ummm, Ummm, Nothing Beats A Tasty Bowl of Mayonnaise
“My 3-year-old daughter loves creamy salad dressings, to the point that she enjoys eating straight spoonfuls of it ⏤ no lettuce required. Our kids help themselves to breakfast in the morning, and they generally eat yogurt or cereal. One morning though, I came into the kitchen and found the fridge door ajar. My daughter was sitting on the floor eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the Hellmann’s jar and feeling quite proud of herself. I gagged, but she smiled.” ⏤ Moshe Moeller
Please Stop Mounting My Face
“My 5-year-old son, who inherited my preference for not wearing clothes, has become extremely enthusiastic about trying to put his anus on my nose. It is not something I enjoy for obvious reasons. However, I do have to admit that I enjoy the sheer unbridled enthusiasm with which he attempts to mount my face. Someday, when he’s pursuing his dream as an MMA fighter, it will serve him well.” ⏤ Joshua David Stein
“As we finished dinner at the trendy Mexican restaurant in the hipster part of town, our 18-month-old decided to take off and subsequently step in her poop-filled diaper, trouncing poop all over their patio. Did I mention we didn’t have wipes with us? Drinks were bought for perfect strangers and a generous tip was left in hopes of us returning to the restaurant unashamed.” ⏤ Christian Henderson
No, Jelly Fish Aren’t Actually Made of Jelly
“I run a surf camp and during the summer, our family pretty much lives at the beach. My boys are there every day, so they’re accustomed to all sorts of sea life showing up. And at the end of the summer, Moon Jellyfish are prone to float around the water. They’re harmless. So harmless that my boys used to collect them in a bucket and take bites out of them to the horror of vacationers all over the beach. Because, after all, they’re made of jelly, right?” ⏤ Pete Tirella
What Does It Mean If You’re Swimming In A Dream?
“About a year ago, I was certain that we’d conquered potty training with our youngest. He’d had zero accidents for a while. One weekend my wife went out of town and my youngest sensed an opportunity to come and snuggle with me during the night. Well, one evening, I had a very strange dream that I was swimming. I woke to find, that indeed I was, in my son’s urine.” ⏤ Patrick Coleman
That’s Not A Bath Toy
“I was giving my son a bath when he was about a year old, and he looked extremely relaxed. He had only recently gotten over the phase where he fought us at bathtime, and I remarked to my wife how relaxed and content he looked. Just then, of course, the brown matter started to float to the surface. Yes, it was poop. We immediately pulled him out, rinsed him off in the shower, and then disinfected and rinsed his tub. Ugh!” ⏤ Benjamin Shahrabani
Wait, What Did You Do With My Towel?
“My 4-year-old son was in the bathroom going pee like a big kid. I passed by on my way downstairs and saw something that made me stop short. I see my son get off the toilet and wipe the extra drops of pee on a towel hanging on the rack. MY towel. You know, the one I use after showers and to wipe my face. Needless to say, we had a talk about the quick shake method after that.” ⏤ Brendan Charles
Slip And Slide
“Last winter, my 2-year-old son was running down the sidewalk. He’s a fast runner but not always steady or nimble on his feet, and since it’s Brooklyn, there was dog shit everywhere on the sidewalk. He was running toward a big smear of it, and I called out ‘Watch out for the dog poop!’ Obviously, he immediately tripped, fell and landed right in it. He was fine. But we were late for school already and just kept going.” ⏤ Aaron Stern
A Whole Wheel of Cheese? I’m Not Even Mad.
“A few days ago I watched my 4-year-old eat a dollop of butter straight. I was amazed.” ⏤ Saadiq Rodgers-King
Ahhh, Yes, The Old “Wash Your Hands In The Urinal” Trick
“On a recent trip to Target with my 18-month-old son, I desperately had to use the bathroom. Unsure what to do with him while I went, I set him up splashing in the sink since he loves water. Meanwhile, I made it to the urinal in the nick of time, craning my neck back as I peed so I could keep an eye on him. When I finished, I washed my hands next to him, then made my way to the end of the row to the paper towels. As I was drying my hands I looked back at the sinks, and to my horror, he was gone. He had bolted over to the urinal and was gleefully splashing his hands in a fresh pint of my own urine. Full confession: I had not flushed. Lesson learned.” ⏤ Brandon Shaw
The Kid Who Collects The Most Cat Crap Wins
“My kids are fascinated with cat poop. So when we had guests over for dinner recently, it was only natural that they would invite the other children to participate in a cat poop collection contest in the backyard. Whoever could pick up the most cat crap (with their hands, of course) wins. When they finally finished, they had collected 30 cat droppings. All fine and good if they had left them in a bag in the backyard (in fact, they would have been doing me a huge favor), but that’s not what they did. Not at all. Instead, they came inside and proceeded to dump the bag in the middle of the table… while the adults were eating. Suffice to say, there was much shouting. Chairs were frantically pushed over. Drinks spilled on the floor.” ⏤ Zachery Roman
A Spoon Full of Snot Helps the Oatmeal Go Down…
“My 1-year-old son was eating his breakfast — a simple mix of porridge and bananas — when he sneezed into his bowl. He looked down at his breakfast (already rather snot-like in its consistency, I’ll give him that), picked up the fresh mucus, looked at it, and casually placed it into his mouth. ⏤Tyghe Trimble