Lindsey and Michael have been together for 14 years and have three kids together. Even though they’ve always had a healthy and active sex life, they’ve only recently begun to feel like they’re finally just getting to really, truly know each other. Part of it has to do with the fact that Michael went to therapy. Part of it has to do with the fact that their long-term relationship has simply allowed them to explore what each wants in ways they didn’t know they needed. And, part of it is that their kids are starting to become independent, so they have true quality time for one another again. Here, Lindsey and Michael spoke to Fatherly about their new relationship (they call it “Lindsey and Michael 2.0”), the marathon sex sessions, and Super Bowl weekend sex trips.
Ages: Lindsey (39) Michael (38)Together: 14 yearsMarried: 13 yearsChildren: Three kids, twins (11 and 11) and one nine year oldLocation: ColoradoWork: Business owners, and entrepreneurs (him and her)
I’m really interested in two stages of your sex life — how things were when you had a pair of two-year-olds and an infant, and where you are now, with what I would imagine are pretty independent kids.
L: I’ll tell you honestly, Michael and I have always had a pretty good sex life. When we first met, we just really had a lot of personal, energetic chemistry between us. We had a lot of sex at the beginning of our relationship. As we had kids, we were able to keep up a decent pace on our sex life.
M: Yeah, it was at least weekly.
L: We were having sex a couple of times a week at least, throughout our marriage, and our sex was good, I would say. We went through some grief — my mom died at the beginning of our relationship when the youngest was really, really small — three weeks old. My mom died of a massive heart attack. That was really tough. One thing that got me through it emotionally was, honestly, sex. That was a huge help through grief for me, and Mike knew it would be. So that was one area where we used sex to heal, I think.
M: It even carries over. When we got together to now, when we’re off and we know we’re off —
L: …we’re fighting, or picking at each other ..
M: …or we’re jumping on our kids for the little things like not putting away their drinks, we know that we need to take…
L: …we need to get laid. So, within the last six months, our kids have become very easy. They’re a different brand. They’re old souls. They’re very easy to parent. We have a lot of structure around their time, and make sure they have a lot of boundaries, but they stay within those boundaries. Our job as parents has become a lot easier. In the last year or two, we’ve had the time to re-concentrate on us as a couple. We’ve had a resurgence in our marriage and in our sex life within the last six months. But even within the last month, we’re starting to feel, again, like we were when we first met. We’re having crazy amounts of sex. We had sex the other day for five hours.
Wow. Good for you.
L: We’re figuring it out now. We’re able to say, “Hey, this is what I like.” And we’re with each other enough to be honest about that, finally. Because of that, we’re able to open up an entire new door to a new part of our relationship. We’ve been calling ourselves “2.0” this last week. It just feels like a brand new relationship all of a sudden, but we’re going —
M: It’s like we’re experiencing new bodies with each other. It’s super weird that it happened now, that we had this huge awakening in the last six months and in this last month.
L: Yeah. It was just a weird opportunity that this came along at this exact right time for us. But we spent this last weekend at the Super Bowl, I’ll tell you, we were more into each other than we were the game.
Not that it’s super relevant, but who were you supporting?
L: We rooted for the Chiefs, but to be honest, I was like, did we just spend all this money to sit in these seats and just stare at each other the whole time? It felt pretty good!
So, then, how often would you say you’re having sex right now?
M: If you asked us literally right now, it’s every day. But before this last six months? At least two to three times a week.
L: That was the average for us. It’s always been the sex where, we’re both coming both times, we’re getting where we need to get, and it’s great. But it became very routine. There was a point where I was like — I need something new here, and it’s time for me to be honest about the things that I really like, because I want to enjoy this part of my life with him. I can’t wait until my kids are gone and off and then we get to really be together. I want to harness that now. So, we’re probably having sex every day. This last week, I would say we had sex two times a day in the last week. But, you know, we were out of town. We had a weekend, right?
M: No kids.
L: When we’re here, we do it at night, when we can, when the girls go to bed. But right now, once a day, probably on average right now. But if we’re out of town? We’re going to take the whole weekend.
How would you say the quality of your sex life has changed?
M: I think what Lindsay was saying earlier, that we did, it was always good, right? But we were both achieving our ultimate goals, but it was becoming a very standardized, almost a template style of sex. It was a button you pushed to get this reaction. You touch A to go to B and once you’re done with B you go to C and C — you know, it just keeps going. We were showing our love, we were enjoying it, but we were in a haze, really.
M: And I think Lindsey really challenged me to open up over six months ago. I had already just started counseling, and that helped a lot. It pushed me to really discuss my holding back in my body and sex and it working through that, and leaning into the hard things of stuff that we haven’t quite discussed about on our own, or what we’re self conscious about in our bodies, we leaned into that and really unpacked it. It really opened my eyes to, man, this is my wife who loves me, and to care less about what I think about myself because she loves me.
L: It has become a lot more emotional recently. Our sex has gone from: we’re getting off and we’re getting through our day, and we’re trying to connect, and now, it’s more of a process. We’ll even say, “Oh, let’s just make this one a quickie,” and two hours will go by before we know it because we’re just, like, enjoying each other and seeing each other for, I think, the first time, through fresh eyes, since we had the kids. I think that your priorities are able to shift once you get a little bit older. And everyone should look forward to this part in their sex life.
M: A 2.0? Absolutely.
L: Everyone should find their 2.0.
When was the last time you had great sex?
L: This weekend.
Where was this?
L: We were in Florida for the Super Bowl. I would say that the best day was Saturday.
M: Yeah, Saturday.
L: Saturday, we woke up, had sex in the morning, had massages, had sex all afternoon. We took a nap. We had sex all afternoon again. We went to dinner. We had sex all night. We had sex five times for five hours! It was wild.
M: You know, good conversation, exploring each other..
L: Yeah. We talk through it, it’s not like traditional sex, where you’re just pounding each other. It’s really emotional, and very connected. “Let’s talk through this. I want to talk about what you’re thinking about, I want to explore you. What are you feeling right now?”
What’s your favorite thing now about your sex life?
L: For me, it’s the feeling of being completely known. There’s nothing sexual that I am afraid to tell Michael anymore. Where, I know he’s not going to judge me or say “That’s the one weird thing, Lindsay.” We’ve all got weird stuff. And, this last month, I’ve just kind of, as the thoughts have been coming to me, I’ve just been verbalizing them. And, the feeling of being known is so freeing. It’s almost as freeing as having a bunch of money, to be honest. There’s a certain freedom when you don’t have to worry about paying your bills, and that same feeling is what I get about sex right now. There is not a lot better for me than to have that feeling of freedom.
M: I wholeheartedly agree. Counseling just really helped us with our communication. Putting our crap into order, and really, just freeing myself of my past and what I feel ashamed of in the past, and once your partner knows everything there is to know about you and there’s no more jealousy, hidden secrets, hidden shames? I look at her in a fully different light. I appreciate every square inch of her body and I love every word she tells me because I know it’s coming from a place of honesty and love. Truly, as of everything we’ve gone through: losing her mom, losing a house, moving, everything that we’ve gone through — we could survive, and I love her more than ever.