Dr. Ruth Explains How Dads Can Get Moms Excited About Sex After Kids

Variety is the spice of life, but flexibility may be the spice of parenthood.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer is the most famous sex therapist on the planet. Why? Because the nonagenarian German-American speaks truth to prudishness. She is frank and honest — bullish on orgasms, bearish on silence. And her communication-first approach to sex advice resonates with many, especially parents because it does not assume that intercourse takes place under ideal conditions. That’s just not realistic and Dr. Ruth is nothing if not realistic. This is why she encourages parents to mind each others’ biological clocks and keeping each other coming. It matters.

Fatherly caught up with Dr. Ruth, who teamed up with Mr. Peanut to answer amorous questions on Twitter as part of Planters’ #CrunchTime hotline. She and the monocled legume were not equally knowledgeable on intimate matters (only half that duo possesses genitalia), so Fatherly directed all question to the one and only Dr. Ruth.

How can dads make get moms more excited about sex and intimacy?

It’s true that children take a lot of their attention and women do get tired, so dads need to make sure mom knows you love her, not only because she’s the mother of your child or children, but because she is herself. Most men wake up with an erection, and most women, especially the ones with small children, are tired. So men have to be flexible. Always make sure she knows how much you desire her, but maybe leave the intercourse part for a little later.

Sometimes I suggest that mothers let their husbands use a vibrator. With a vibrator, mom is going to have an orgasm much faster. Sex doesn’t have to be simultaneous intercourse, it is alright just to be satisfied and to satisfy. A vibrator is perfect for that.

Sounds great, but where does dad get off?

A woman can just use her hands or go down on him if oral sex is a part of their repertoire. Maybe in the morning, she could give him an orgasm. He’s up with an erection. And then he can give her an orgasm in the evening instead of watching a ballgame. Or give her an orgasm and then watch the game. People have to be flexible when they have children and it takes some adjustment, but once their children are a little older they’ll have even better sex.

I’ve suggested this many times, but get a babysitter and check into a motel, get some champagne, have a bubble bath. You don’t have to stay the whole night, it can be for two hours. But have a good sexual experience so that you know you love each other. Just make sure you don’t fall asleep before giving her an orgasm. But just make sure they don’t put sex on the backburner because it’s much more difficult to restart it than to maintain it.

If couples are at the point where they need to reboot or restart their sex lives, what can they do?

If there is a problem or if sex is becoming nonexistent, they have to go and see a sex counselor because they can’t expect this to fix itself. It’s a serious issue not have any desire to engage in sex. First, try to focus on satisfying each other, but if that doesn’t work, go see a therapist. But keep that sex life going even when it’s difficult.

For couples worried about their kids walking in on them, what’s the best way to handle this?

It happens to all parents — their toddler walks in on them having sex. Parents may want to have a little lock, something that can be easily opened by someone who’s not a toddler, but a safe way to keep the door closed. When they get older, children have to be taught to knock at the door, and parents have to knock at the door of children because they might be masturbating. There has to be a private area where parents can have sex and if they do walk in, don’t make a big to-do. Just say, ‘Hi, what you just saw was mommy and daddy having sex. We love each other very much, but this is something that should be done in private.’

What about single dads who might be dating on Valentine’s Day. What do they need to know?

Single dads should not jump into bed too fast, and never on the first date or unprotected, because of the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. On the other hand, if you do have somebody that you’re interested in, make sure you have the time. Get a babysitter that’s reliable so you’re not worried and give that person all the attention you can. Don’t talk right away about marriage or moving in and just develop a relationship. A lot of people these days engage in second or third marriages, and often very successfully. So it’s important to keep your mood up. It’s important to stay hopeful and positive.