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8 Celebrity Dads on the Insanity (and Joys) of Toddlers

Being a dad ain't easy.

The toddler years are infamous for a reason. Yes, child development is astonishing to witness at this time. A year ago, the child was small and immobile. Now they are trotting around the house, getting into all sorts of mischief, growing, learning, and tantrumming. Its a time of messy faces, messy diapers, and even messier emotions. It can be exhausting for parents. But, of course, toddlers are also the best. Curious and loving and always down for a good time, they never fail to surprise parents. This is true across all borders, including celebrity parents, who deal with the same developmental milestones and ridiculous attitudes of their growing toddlers. Here, we collected quotes from eight celebrity dads about some of their most memorable stories about their toddlers. 

It’s Uncharted Territory for Jason Sudeikis
“Otis is going to be 17 months on the 20th. He’s great. He just stepped on a bee today. I’ve never been stung by a bee,” Jason Sudeikis told Jimmy Kimmel. “I’m holding him, tears are streaming down his face and I’m like… ‘Little Man, you’re further along than me! I don’t know what to tell you!’” 

Chris Pratt’s Toddler Is Like His Therapist
“He says amazing things, profound things. I was laying next to our bed we made a little nest for him during a retreat we took over the holidays…like lots of pillows and stuff, because we didn’t have a crib,” Chris Pratt said on Ellen. “So, we just made him sleep on the floor in his little nest and I was sitting down and I said, ‘You know, Jack, there’s a lot of people here and it’s very loud. People are gonna be having a lot of fun and their might even be some tension.’ And he just said, ‘It’s family.’ I almost started crying. I was like, ‘Thank you, son. You’re right.’ He’s like my therapist.”

Ashton Kutcher’s Kids Keep Trying To Hurt Themselves
“You know, the first year you spend just trying to keep them alive. And then after that you hit a point where your job is to keep them from killing themselves. Like, it’s not just about ‘I gotta keep it surviving,’” Ashton Kutcher joked on Ellen. “She literally tries to kill herself on a regular basis. Like she doesn’t realize — that’s a cliff and that could be dangerous! She’ll just jump off the thing. You think that they would come with instincts around fire and large falls and they don’t!”

Traveling Is A Nightmare for Ryan Reynolds
“I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old, they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. I’ve always had empathy for parents especially [during] flying,” Reynolds told GMA. “Before I had kids, I was always like, ‘God, that’s hard.’ You can see [the parents] sweating and they’re nervous because their kids are yelling and everyone’s mad at them.”

David Beckham Is Chubby, Apparently
“My little girl turned around to me the other day — I had just bathed her and I was in the bath as well. I got her out, toweling her down. She said, “Daddy, I love you so much. But I don’t like you. You’re so chubby,” Beckham revealed on Jimmy Kimmel.

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Justin Timberlake Gets Peed On
“[My son] is 3. He’s gotten to the point where he can sneak out of his room in the morning. He sneaks into our room, crawls up on the bed. It’s very, very sweet. He’s a big boy now. He will be happy to tell you [that.] We’re getting really well down the line with the pee-pee-ing in the potty thing,” Timberlake said on Ellen. “But at night time, we give him the diaper. And so [this morning], I feel his hand, he comes in and hugs me. And then right on my back I’m like, ‘That’s… really wet.’ Anybody who is a parent out there knows what that’s like — you’ve never been more excited to be peed on.

Dax Shepard: “It’s Like They’re Meth Addicts”
“The worst thing about having kids is that they wake up so early… I go to great lengths to make sure they don’t wake up early. I put aluminum on their windows, on the outside. It’s like they’re meth addicts. I also put a towel under the crack of the door where light can come in…”

So one night I’m in there. I’m singing them ‘Wheels on the Bus.’ It’s all good. They’re going to sleep. I bend down to pick up the towel to put it under the door. They have a bookshelf that is beautiful. Nice stain. Very elegant. I bend down and [hit myself] straight in the nose. I almost blacked out. I let a couple Motherf*****s slip.

Because I’ve lost count of where I’m at. I feel like I’m in an alley or something. I let a couple of MFers rip. The kids had just heard wheels on the bus and then I was screaming that. The worst part of the story is that two days later, Kristen is walking down the hallway. Lincoln is trying to get a sweater off in her room — she’s three. Her arms are all bound up in it. She’s getting frustrated. She goes, “Oh, f***!’” We decide not to say anything, because if we do, she will say it all the time. Five hours later, we’re at a pool party, I swear to god. She looks up and goes ‘This pool is f****g warm.” 

Seth Meyers Knows The Pains of Traveling with a Toddler
“I got to go to Italy with my wife and my two sons, Ash, and Axel,” Seth Meyers told his own audience during a taping of his late night show. “Ash: two years old. Axel: four months old. They are not fun to travel with. On the flight to Italy, about eight hours, we took a red-eye. We were hoping they would sleep the whole flight. That was not the case. My son, Ash, the two year old, did not sleep a wink. He talked pretty much the whole fight. Definitely loud enough for everyone on the plane to hear him.

One of the things we did to prepare him for the trip was to tell him [about flying and the trip.]… All that did to us was that he talked to us about it for the entire flight. Any time he was almost about to be asleep, he would wake up like he had forgotten a business meeting. And just start saying “Ash on a big airplane! Ash go to Italy! Ash eat pasta! Ash sleep on the airplane!”… The plane had had it with him. The best part was that right as we landed, wheels touch down, we’re going down the runway, Ash yells, again, for the whole plane to hear ‘We did it, guys!’ You could tell people were saying ‘Did we? Did we do it?’”