How Can I Talk To My Wife About Watching Porn Together?

I'm a happily married dad and content with my sex life. However, I enjoy porn and would like to watch it with my wife so we can find some new things to try or just see what turns her on and vice versa. But I'm not really sure how to even bring it up. She's never really mentioned porn before and when I watch it, it's in private. Is it even a good idea to express my interest in this, and is there a good way to bring it up? — Aaron, 42, via email

Ok, first things first: congrats on being happily married and content with your sex life! I think the fact that you already have a good sex life puts you in a great place to bring up adding something else. On top of that, the thing you’re thinking of adding in is perfect. I don’t mean that in a value judgment kind of way (if you were like, “I want to get really kinky with my partner” that would be great, too!). It’s just that what you’re talking about is fairly easy to incorporate into your sex life: It’s accessible, and there are tons of options for how you customize it to work for you and your wife.

That said, there are a few unanswered questions here. You say she hasn’t mentioned porn, but do you mean she doesn’t even know you watch porn? Do you know if she does or has? In general, is she more reserved about sex? Basically, I’m urging you to think really hard about if there are or have been any red flags in what she’s said in the past about porn that might make this seem like not a great idea.

I want to be clear: porn is great. Most adults in this country have watched or do watch porn. I’m not trying to discourage you from this or make it seem like the ask is a big or unreasonable one. It’s not! It’s both hot and sweet that you’re into this! I’m just trying to make you think a little before you come in like a wrecking ball.

What you’re talking about is fairly easy to incorporate into your sex life: It’s accessible, and there are tons of options for how you customize it to work for you and your wife.

So here’s my advice for how to bring it up, should you believe with at least a little conviction that your wife is not virulently anti-porn. First, remember that porn is not one thing. There are all kinds of porn. In fact, one of the ways that porn tends to divide along gender lines is the media we use to consume porn— women tend to like to read porn rather than watch. There’s also been a rise in sites, many aimed at women, that make audio porn. As with the type of media, there’s a huge variety of what’s available to watch, especially now that creator-controlled sites like OnlyFans have taken off. One study found that almost 40% of OnlyFans users are women.

I don’t know your wife and what she’s into or comfortable with (obviously), but she might be more into the idea of you starting with reading erotica together or scrolling through Tumblr porn gifs than she is with watching a seven-minute narrative video about how an unlikely orgy started. I don’t know, though! I do think it’s worth starting slow and with porn that both of you are going to be turned on by — even if it’s a bit “tamer” than either one of you might watch alone.

The reality is that a lot of us consume porn that depicts things we don’t actually want to do. A threesome can be hot to watch, but, god, that seems like a lot of scheduling and emotional work to me. So I do think there’s value in starting by adding in just the porn aspect, rather than porn plus new things that you don’t do as a couple. At first, I’d watch or read or listen to porn that is pretty similar to what you two do — the element of newness is that you’re consuming erotic media together. Then, once you’ve gotten comfortable with that, you guys can decide together what comes next.

You might want to do some light research on your own about this so that when you bring up the topic, if she is open to it, you have some ideas of sites you can look at. Also so that the work (and vulnerability) of pulling up a video/story that is hot isn’t on her. There are sites that are devoted to more “tame” or “soft core” porn, and ones that are specifically marketed towards women that tend to be more, for lack of a better word, romantic. That said, she might be like, “Hell yeah, I’ve been waiting to watch with you. Here’s my favorite stuff.” I don’t want the assumption to be that your wife is naive to the world of porn! Women like porn, too!

Here’s how I would think about bringing it up, but make it your own. As a note, I would not bring it up during or immediately after sex. That can make it feel pressured or feel like the sex you just had was lacking. I would aim for nice conversation on a date night. Say something like, “There’s something that I’ve been wanting to try in bed because I find it really hot, and I wanted to see if you’d be open to it. There’s no pressure to answer right away or to say yes, but I really would love to watch porn with you sometime. Is that something you’d be open to? If you are, can we talk about it?” And then listen and ask questions of each other!

Before you ask, think about what makes this hot to you and why you want to do this with her.

Before you ask, think about what makes this hot to you and why you want to do this with her. (If this is only because you’re trying to figure out what she wants to try in bed, please just have a conversation.) Is it hot to you to be vulnerable about what turns you on? Do you like talking about sex more? Do you feel like you guys are doing the same things over and over? Think about what makes this hot and share that with your partner in the conversation where you bring it up.

Please also make it clear that this is something you want to try, that you don’t expect it to happen every time, that you’re open to it not working out or it looking different than you imagine, and—this one is pretty important because of what you’re bringing up, but also because all of us are sensitive about sex and desire—that it’s not because you want someone else or that your sex life is lacking. And if any of what I just said isn’t true for you, then don’t do this at all! I really do think watching porn with a partner is a wonderful activity, so I’m not trying to at all discourage you from bringing it up, just trying to make sure the way you do so is most likely to lead to sexy outcomes.

I know that this might seem like a lot of talking about something, rather than simply jumping in, but I urge—beg— you to remember that talking about it is intimate and hot, too.