My Wife Wants To Introduce Something I Find A Little Weird To Our Sex Life. What Should I Do?
Our resident sex expert offers advice about forming the right mindset for new sexual territory.
My wife said that she'd like to start using toys more in the bedroom. I was a little weird about doing so but realized that it has nothing to do with me and that I should be excited that she's interested in trying new things. That said, do you have any advice on using toys in the bedroom and also, do you have any recommendations for sex toys that couples new to the experience should try? — Adam, 41
First of all, kudos on doing one of the hardest things there is to do as an adult: seeing past your own ego and correctly identifying one of the biggest upsides of your situation — your wife is trying to bone more and more creatively.
But perhaps more than being impressed, I’m excited for you. Because sex is about to get so much better. There is plenty of good sex without sex toys. Loads of it happening as you read this very article. Loads of it will happen in your future.
So why is your sex life going to get better? It’s not even the specific toys themselves that will improve it, although they will be hot and helpful. It’s the fact that your sex life is opening up to newness. You get to try something new with your partner — that's the closest thing you can get to the beginning of love.
The goal isn’t to bring an entire new project into sex. This isn’t supposed to feel like building an Ikea bookcase while trying to blow your wife’s mind.
I bring this up because what toys you incorporate are going to be good almost no matter what, and whether one or both of you pick them out. I’ll give you some ideas, but my point is that exploring sex toys is about trying something in bed, rather than mastering something immediately. Therein lies the sexiness.
My strong suggestion is for both of you to have a nice date night, perhaps split a bottle of Beaujolais and then go to a sex toy website. There are bigger sites like Babeland, Lovehoney or Adam & Eve, but also smaller brands that might be less daunting like Maude and Dame. Start looking at them together, share what you’re into. I know it can be a little hard at first to get over the childlike reluctance to talk about sex, but it’s worth it.
If that doesn’t sound feasible — and I hope it does at some point, because you should be able to talk about sex with the person you’re having it with — that’s okay. It can take time to get comfortable talking about new things in the bedroom. Get on your own laptops and shop side by side, each picking one or two things you want to try.
Most sex toys aren’t doing something entirely new, they’re either replicating or enhancing sex acts you’re already familiar with. And if you find it hot when your partner comes, it’s pretty simple to find a sex toy that will turn you both on.
I would suggest starting with more “basic” sex toys or those designed for couples (almost every sex toy website will have a section devoted to this). Honestly, some sex toys designed for couples are more complicated than what you need. But a vibrator she can wear during sex like Dame’s Eva is a great starting point. We-Vibe has an entire line of couple-specific sex toys that are highly rated and user friendly, a favorite of which is the We-Vibe Sync. It can be worn solo or during sex, and controlled remotely.
Using a dildo or a vibrator on your wife is likely going to be very hot for her — and you — and doesn't require learning a new skill or reading an instruction manual. It’s just more pleasure. Same with things like balms or lubes that are designed to intensify sensation, or massage oils and candles. Sex toys don’t have to lead to wildly different sex than you’re already having.
You both, I assume, know what you’re into in the bedroom. At least in broad strokes. Is one of you more dominant? One more submissive? Do either of you like light pain (like spanking)? Unless you’re having very good and frequent conversations about BDSM and kink, I wouldn’t start there, although it’s a perfectly good destination to end up at. But you can bring in pieces of almost any fantasy with sex toys.
The best sex toy is the one that’s going to turn you both on.
Does your wife like having her nipples played with? Nipple clamps. Do you like the idea of tying her up? Gentle ties. Are you both open to anal but not sure where to start? Maude sells a good starter butt plug + lube kit.
Ask her what she has in mind — she’s the one who brought this up, I would place a pretty large bet she’s thinking of something — and see if you’re open to incorporating that.
Really, the goal isn’t to bring an entire new project into sex. This isn’t supposed to feel like building an Ikea bookcase while trying to blow your wife’s mind. It’s meant to feel like, holy shit I didn’t know she could come like that.
The best sex toy is the one that’s going to turn you both on, so I can’t tell you what it is, but I can tell you that you’ll find it. There is so much extra fun that you’re leaving on the table if you don’t try this. Have fun, and be open to the fact that not everything will be your favorite. You’re simply trying something new.
And no matter what, don’t forget lube.
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