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Kids Feel Self-Conscious and Embarrassed Before Age Two

Young children may not seem like they care what their parents think, but they are aware of how they're perceived earlier than previously thought.

Children may experience feelings of embarrassment much sooner than scientists previously thought. Kids start to care what other people before they even reach their terrible twos, which is surprising, given how liberated they seem to be. Many experts agree that though a self-conscious toddler may not act the same way as a self-conscious parent, that does not mean they do not experience it. They care what others think even if the diaper they rip off at the park says otherwise. 

The main reason shame, embarrassment, and self-consciousness are so difficult to identify in toddlers is because they are more complex emotions that children are not developmentally capable of expressing yet. Scientists previously thought children did not become self-aware until the age of 4 of 5 mostly because that is when they were able to start verbalizing it. However, there is evidence that infants as young as 10 months old can distinguish between more or less attentive people and interact more with those who look directly at them. By 18 months, babies have been found to be less likely to imitate adults who have displayed anger in the past. It’s possible that very young children care what others think about them, or at least change their behaviors based on them. 

“Research shows that socially and emotionally, children begin to show shame when doing something wrong closer to 18 months of age,” says Dr. Amna Husain, pediatrician and Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. “It’s usually around 20 months of age that children begin to have thoughts about feelings and by 24 months of age, they can begin to mask emotions for social etiquette.”

Recent data published by the American Psychological Association in the journal Developmental Psychology, confirms toddlers’ capacity for embarrassment. In a series for four separate experiments on 144 children between 14 and 24 months old, participants consistently demonstrated self-awareness of when they were being watched, and behaved better compared to when they thought they were alone. When this was combined with positive and negative feedback, the effect was even more pronounced, suggesting that kids care about how they are seen the same way adults do. 

“I think that when we think of self-consciousness, we think of a very complex ability, which it can be, but it has many levels,” study co-author Sara Botto explains. Most people think all self-consciousness occurs at a level where people understand that they have an observable self, that others have opinions about that, and that those opinions could affect them, and that is not same plane toddlers on. They are aware and affected by what others think, but because they cannot express this it is difficult to know to what extent, Botto says. 

“While there is ample evidence that children display embarrassment by the age of 24 months, it is hard to know how they experience it.”

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Botto and Husain agree that toddlers are typically more self-conscious with strangers versus their parents, who they tend to be more comfortable testing boundaries with. So it makes sense why most moms and dads do not see their 2-year-olds as modest because they don’t get to see that side. 

Far less is known about why toddlers get embarrassed when there tend to be very few social consequences for their actions. Developmentally, this new sense of embarrassment seems to set in around the time young children become more social, yet experience a surge of stranger anxiety with adults. Part of this may be related to safety, but Botto suspects that toddler embarrassment in rooted in a need for acceptance as well.

“Research has shown that being rejected can literally be perceived as physical pain, and as humans, we have this inclination to be loved and accepted,” she says. “Being part of a group or family is essential to our survival in early development, and being part of a strong community is associated with a wealth of positive outcomes.”

The best thing parents can do if they sense their child is embarrassed is acknowledge it but not overreact. It’s not the end of the world and it might be the one thing you and your kid can relate on after a meltdown at the grocery store. These findings are also yet another reason to treat kids — even those who are still practically babies — like emotional equals. They’re just more perceptive than parents give them credit for.

“Praise positive skills and create perspective for your child when things don’t always go as planned,” Husain says. “You want to create a safe environment where children feel they will not be judged for what they deem as failures or embarrassments.”