According to “science,” if you live for 75 years, you will spend 25 of those years asleep. Unless you have a pregnant partner at any time during those 75 years, in which case you will actually sleep for 24 years and 3 months. But, wait, that actually probably doesn’t account for after the baby is born, so subtract at least another 3 years. Oh, and then they’ll be reckless teenagers, so maybe shave off another 4 years. You know what? Forget it. Who needs sleep anyway?
Well, actually, your pregnant partner needs sleep. But it turns out that growing a human is pretty restless work. Luckily, there are some things you can do to help her get some shut eye, none of which include telling her your boring theories about the MLB post-season. Though that might work too.
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Help Her Keep A Schedule
After having the baby, you’ll learn quickly that sticking to a strict schedule is crucial for getting your kid to sleep. So you might as well start practicing with your partner now, because it turns out a regular sleep schedule will help her too.
So when bedtime rolls around, maybe try not to pressure her into just one more episode of Narcos. But feel free to skip the lullabye and the reading of Goodnight Moon.
Help Her Reduce Anxiety
She might already be into yoga and mindfulness meditations, which’ll help her de-stress. But you have something that she hasn’t got: some strong magic fingers (and they’re ‘uge so guaranteed no problem there). What are they good for? Some good old-fashioned prenatal-massage.
Beyond that? Try not to talk about nervous-making baby issues before bed. Topics like what to expect from prenatal testing a best left for the morning, much like high fiber cereals.
Help Her With The Meals
Cooking can be a hassle. If you’re tired from a whole day of gestating, it can be tough thinking about digestion. Which can lead to processed meals and indigestion. That’s no good for sleepy times.
So go ahead and man the stove, man. Try some non-spicy recipes that avoid anything that requires being submerged in hot fat — bonus points for some added folic acid. You can sneak in some wings when you’re out with your bros, but making some good meals for her now will help her heart burn only for you.
Deal With Your Snoring
Your nighttime breathing exploits sound like a dog fight. That’s not only disturbing, it’s downright unethical. If there was ever a time to fix your ridiculous schnoz-racket, it’s before sleep gets really dicey in the third trimester.
Try elevating the head of the bed (which might help her too) or using those nasal strips. If things are truly jacked, get your doc to hook you up with a self-administered at-home sleep study and go from there.
Welcome Your new Pillow Overlords
As her pregnancy goes on, she will need more and more support during her sleep. Which isn’t to say you need to whisper encouragement while she gets a solid eight-hours. It means she’s going to need lots of pillows.
You will be crowded. And there is simply no way to convince her the 15 sympathy pounds you’ve gained mitigate her need for a body pillow. Just accept it and move on.
Just Move Into Another Room
On first blush, this may sound like giving up. But it might just be what both of you need. You can stream your Narcos well into the night while she drifts away. And you can have a snore-party like you’ve never experienced.
Also, recent studies have suggested separate beds might just be the key to happiness. One thing is undeniable: sleep is key to her pregnancy happiness. So get in the game, sandman, and get some of those sleep years back before it’s too late.