Much like giving flowers and those “funny romantic” Hallmark cards that joke about doing sex, rolling with a heart-shaped box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day runs the risk of being a little ho-hum. It also looks like you did your shopping at Walgreens. Instead, take your ganache game from cliché to classy with these 10 chocolate gifts that’ll make you look like the most discerning cocoa connoisseur. And you won’t even have to suffer through that Johnny Depp movie for help.
Recchiuti Black Box
The only way your wife isn’t going to be blown by this exotic collection of 16 truffles is if she used to be a chocolatier. Ingredients are sourced from around the globe (hazelnuts from Italy! Coffee from Hawaii!) and the eccentric flavors run the gamut from Spring Jasmine Tea and Star Anise, to Lavender Vanilla, Tarragon Grapefruit, and Pink Peppercorn. Sorry, there’s no peanut butter cup.
Stone Enjoy By Chocolate & Coffee IPA
Let’s just call Stone’s Enjoy By Chocolate & Coffee IPA what it really is: a Valentine’s Day gift to yourself. Or, at least, to the both of you. “Yea, we love us!” It’s a 9.4 percent ABV Double IPA loaded with coffee and chocolate hoppiness that’s supposedly only fresh for only 37 days — right up until V-Day. You’re officially on the clock.
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Game of Thrones Dragon Egg
Exactly like the 3 petrified dragons’ eggs Daenerys got for her wedding, except crack one of these open and you’ll find Drogon’s a delicious truffle surrounded by chocolate-covered almonds. Naturally, there are 3 different flavored eggs — milk chocolate and mint, dark chocolate with hazelnut, and white chocolate with raspberry. And while they aren’t cheap at $45 a pop, you do at least get a full pound of chocolate in each. If your special lady’s not a fan of the GoT, don’t worry, the Truffle Cottage also makes equally intricate themed chocolates based on characters from Star Wars, Harry Potter, and The Walking Dead.
Defonce Cannabis Chocolate
Your lady wants to chill out at the end of the week for the same reason you want a splash of Jack Daniel’s in your morning coffee: parenting’s a high-stress gig, man. Defonce’s marijuana-infused chocolate just helps make sure the Jumparoo doesn’t reek of weed in the morning. Each 3D-designed bar contains 180 milligrams of THC (broken into 18 pyramids), and they come in 8 flavors, from Mint and Matcha to Hazelnut and Coffee. Just not whiskey-infused coffee.
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Benchic Chocolate Making Kit
Any idiot can go out and buy a box of chocolates (that was the point of Forrest Gump, right?), but you’re going to be the idiot that makes them for Valentine’s Day. Benchic sets you up with everything you need to make 60 kick ass pieces of confection. Mix up the organic Peruvian cocoa butter (and Dominican Republic cocoa powder) with honey, lucuma powder, crushed almonds, and coconut. Mold it. Eat it. Make more because your wife will be home soon.
L.A. Burdick Chocolate Penguins
Bonus points if you narrate your partner opening this handsome wooden box of 9 chocolate penguins in your best Morgan Freeman voice: “They have almond wings, but cannot fly. They’re birds filled with limoncello-accented ganache that think they are fish. And every year, they don a dark-chocolate tuxedo with white accents and embark on the near-impossible journey to find … Andy Dufresne! Kidding, to find a mate.”
Farmacy Beauty Sweet Lips Gift Set
Why roll with one gift when you can appear to care that much more with 2: Chocolate and lip balm! This gift set designed to keep her lips tasty and supple includes 3 flavors of artisanal small-batch chocolate bars (lavender mint, strawberry basis, and apple rosemary) accompanied by matching lip balm.
Compartes Chocolate Heart Love Box
“Look under your dining-room chair … everybody gets a geometrically angular heart-shaped box of chocolates!!! You get one! Your wife gets one …” Okay, so that’s what would happen if Oprah was in your house on Valentine’s Day, since she named this box of 35 colorful chocolates to a recent “O List.” Flavors include strawberry champagne, red velvet, and raspberry rose, and the artsy box comes either adorned with the word “LOVE” or two pairs of lips, depending on whether the kids are staying with your parents for the night.
Mast Brothers Sea Salt Collection
Sea salt, it’s not just for relaxing baths after the kids go to bed anymore. No, the fancy-Dan, New York-based chocolatiers at Mast Brothers have paired “rare sea salts with unusual ingredients” to create a set of 12 tasty candy bars guaranteed to impress. They even went all in on the packaging, using “a unique modified salt resist technique combined with watercolor painting” to make the paper wrap as artisanal as the chocolate inside.
Charles Chocolates Fleur De Sel Caramel Edible Box
Now when you sarcastically quip, “Don’t eat the whole box,” you mean it! These Charles caramels actually come in a chocolate cube that’s designed to be devoured. Although before she even gets to enjoy the package, she can savor the 18 fancy caramels inside: Half are classic chocolate, and half — like your new inability to make questionable jokes — are bittersweet.