Sure, your kids are consistent at waking you up in the morning (although is 5:30 AM considered morning or night?), but they fall short when it comes to also bringing you coffee in bed. The Barisieur, however, will do it for you every morning at the time of your choosing. Yes, it’s an alarm clock, but it also brews fresh hot coffee from your damn nightstand! Best part? It does all of this without asking to climb into your bed because it was having nightmare.
Despite resembling a mini-meth lab mounted on top of a digital clock, the “Barista + Connoisseur” (get it) generally works like any other programmable drip coffee maker. The difference is that this one uses induction heating to safely heat the water in the flask (or is it a beaker?) to 94 degrees, so you won’t accidentally burn your hand when reaching for the snooze bar. You may, however, still accidentally break the damn flask (or it is a beaker?). To finish the process, the steam is pushed through the tube, into the stainless steel mesh filter, over coffee grounds, and completing the journey into your cup. So this is what they mean about the best part of waking up?
There’s also a built-in USB jack to charge your many devices, a “bespoke peltier cooler” for chilling a vial of milk or cream overnight, and a sealed drawer that holds both coffee grounds and sugar. All of which can absolutely be dumped everywhere as soon as your kids come in to jump on your bed.
The Barisieur ($299 Pre-order for June 2017)